Wednesday, December 10, 2008
“Want to get married?”
A look at what “covenant marriage” is all about
Note: Presently, only Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana in the USA have covenant marriage laws. Americans who are residents of other states are however allowed to avail of these laws.
This article discusses [1] what a covenant marriage law is; [2] Philippine laws on marriage; [3] divorce and remarriage for Filipino citizens; [4] covenant marriage declaration and covenant marriage vows; [5] how fundamentalist and evangelical churches in the US started the covenant marriage movement; and [6] my proposal for a covenant marriage law in the Philippines.
Other topics I will discuss in this post are [7] the dreary statistics on divorce and live-in relationships; [8] 2,000 weddings daily in the Philippines; 95% of today’s single adults still deeply desire to be married; and [9] Filipinos are bound by our laws, wherever they may be in the world.
G. K. Chesterton once said, “When a man says I love you to a woman, what he really means is that, of all the millions of women in the world, I choose you.” This is such romantic stuff that a lot of you might think this article will be all about some mushy stuff. But truth is, we will be discussing some rather heavy legal stuff about marriage which could make you think twice before proposing or saying “I do.”
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/09/want-to-get-married.html
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Myth of Mutual Submission
Monday, January 23, 2006
Headship of men, submission of women, and the myth of mutual submission
In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women.
Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors (and even from within the SBC itself).
Feminist groups have been saying all this time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.
(For a discussion of the rights and obligations of husbands and wives under the Family Code of the Philippines, please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog at www.famli.blogspot.com.)
If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:
[1] “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”
[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”
[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”
[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”
For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.
What stands out in my mind with Swindoll’s book “Strike The Original Match” is his statement on page 12,
The wife must come to terms with her role and ask, “Do I love my husband enough to live for him?” And equally important, the husband must come to terms with his role and ask, “Do I love my wife enough to die for her?” Searching questions. But they put the issues in the right perspective.
In “The Grace Awakening,” Swindoll rephrases his thoughts in this way (pages 149-151):
[1] “The wife’s primary responsibility is to know herself so well and to respect herself so much, she gives herself to her husband without hesitation.”
[2] “The primary responsibility of the husband is to love his Lord so deeply and to like himself so completely he gives himself to his wife without conditions.”
Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.
“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”
I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”
Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”
The myth of mutual submission
One time, I was browsing through the bargain books section of PCBS Cubao, when I came across Stu Webber’s book, “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (Multnomah Books, © 1997; reprinted in the Philippines by OMF Lit Inc).Webber is my kind of guy! He first joined the US military with the Airborne division. He then went into the Rangers, and then finally into the Special Forces, the elite Green Berets. During the Vietnam War, while crunched in a foxhole in a Special Forces “A” Camp, waiting to engage the Viet Cong in bloody combat, God called him into the ministry.
(Decades ago, I and a dozen other Rizal High School students out of hundreds who started the training, completed a yearlong, Saturdays only Junior Ranger training. There, we learned how to assemble and disassemble a Garand M1, a carbine, a 30-caliber machine gun, a Browning Automatic Rifle, an M-16; go through the obstacle course, etc. It was great learning all these things but the only time we got to apply these skills, besides the Military Stakes, was during a rumble between about two hundred guys from Fort Bonifacio High School and only about fifty of us from Rizal High. When rocks started raining down on us, the valiant guys from Rizal High did all the right things – run, escape and hide until night fell and our enemies had to leave unless they wanted their mothers to scold them for coming home late. Who was it who said that prudence is the better part of valor?)
Anyway, enough of nostalgia.
What immediately attracted my attention in Webber’s book is his discussion of “The Myth of Mutual Submission” on pages 75 and 76. Webber says that submission is “always singular in direction when it refers to authority. It is never ‘mutual.’” The words of Scripture simply cannot be turned sideways and twisted to force the reverse. Nowhere are husbands told to be subject to their wives. Everywhere husbands are told to take the lead.”
Lest you begin thinking that Webber is just reacting on the basis of his military background, he states in page 79, “There is no room in biblical headship for self-inflated big shots.” Webber also cites approvingly Pastor John Piper’s discussion of what mature masculine leadership is. Among other things, Webber quotes Piper as saying that a mature man “serves and sacrifices for the woman’s good.”
(In a lot of Filipino families, the father merely makes occasional decisions in order to show everyone who is boss in the family. But it is the mother who actually runs the household and keeps the family together. A lot of Filipino men are passive when it comes to family matters, and the women are forced to take up the spiritual leadership of the family. One common complaint that author Joyce Landorf, I think, hears from women is that the man doesn't want to take spiritual responsibility for the family.)
Webber includes in his book a chapter entitled “A Woman Among the Pillars” and I assure all of you women out there, if you practice what he says in this chapter, you wouldn’t find it difficult dealing with men.
(You can find an interesting review in http://www.probe.org/. of Dr. Laura’s ‘The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Dr. Laura says that women don’t understand or realize the power they have over their husbands. She says that husbands are putty in the hands of the women they love!)
If you want to find out what the four pillars of a man’s heart are, go to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of Webber’s book. And all the books I mentioned above. Right now!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 2:51 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/01/headship-of-men-submission-of-women.html
==================================================================
Sunday, February 05, 2006
The Myth of Mutual Submission, part 2
In a previous post, I cited to you Stu Webber’s book “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart.” Webber in pages 75 and 76 dismisses “mutual submission” (also known as “egalitarianism”) as being un-Biblical. Essentially, people who hold this view believe that husbands and wives should submit to one another, and not just wives submitting themselves to their husbands. They say that “there is no unique authority or leadership role for the husband in a marriage,” and that “men and women are equal and carry responsibilities in both the home and church which are mutual or interchangeable between the sexes.”
Main argument against mutual submission
The traditional (read that “conservative”) view is known as “complementarianism” which holds that “while men and women are equal before God, they serve him in complementary roles which are not always identical and in some cases ought not to be.”
As Webber stated in his book, the main argument against “mutual submission” is that you cannot find a verse in the New Testament explicitly telling husbands to submit to their wives. On the other hand, wives are explicitly told in several instances to submit to their husbands.
Ephesians 5
22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Colossians 3
18. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Titus 2
5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
1 Peter 3
1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
The quotes I used above are from two articles which I highly recommend to you. These articles are:
[1] The Myth of Mutual Submission by Wayne Grudem, Ph.D at http://www.soulcare.org/Counseling/MythofSubmission.html
[2] Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another by Chad Brand, at http://www.baptist2baptist.net/printfriendly.asp?ID=230
Essentially, Grudem says that “the whole idea of mutual submission as an interpretation of ‘be subject to one another’ in Ephesians 5:21 is terribly mistaken idea.” He also states that “it can be advocated only by failing to appreciate the precise meanings of the Greek words for ‘be subject to’ and ‘one another.’” Grudem concludes that “the idea of mutual submission in marriage (is) a myth without foundation in Scripture at all.”
Brand, on the other hand, says that people who preach mutual submission “hijack” the Bible in order to make it fit their egalitarian viewpoint. He says, “Texts are either accepted, rejected, ignored, or revised according to the way they fit in with that motif. But this is a mistake of the greatest gravity. The revisionist position does not of itself arise from Scripture. Rather, it is plain that while the Bible teaches full equality, it does not affirm egalitarianism or interchangeability in all things, but rather calls for distinguishable roles between men and women.”
For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.
Headship of men can never be an excuse or justification for spousal abuse
Please let me reiterate here what I said in a previous post. The headship of men and the submission of women cannot be and should never be used as an excuse or justification for spousal abuse. One extreme example of how these doctrines have been twisted by some twisted men as an excuse for domestic violence is the true story of Lucy Tisland, narrated in the book “Battered into Submission” by James and Phyllis Alsdurf.
Lucy Tisland and her children endured years of abuse inflicted by her violent husband. One child suffered brain damage and died at the age of seven after he was severely beaten by the father. When Lucy cried during the funeral service for this child, she was brutally beaten by her husband. To the people in their community, however, Lucy and her husband presented a picture of a trouble-free marriage.
One time, after her husband came home agitated over a brewing problem of his sexual involvement with a teenager, he threatened Lucy that he will kill her and all their children after his nap. Lucy, believing that her husband would actually carry out such a threat, got a gun, and then shot her husband in the forehead.
Lucy was charged for the death of her husband, but she was acquitted by the jury, after she recounted her years of abuse at the hands of her husband.
By the way, Lucy Tisland’s husband was a Baptist pastor from Minnesota.
As I mentioned before, I have been giving lecture-seminars in Republic Act 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004” to barangay officials and day care center workers. I have given lectures in Laguna (Victoria, Alaminos, Pila, Kalayaan, and Lumban), Cavite City, and in Sto. Tomas, Batangas.
RA 9262 now expressly provides for what is known as the “battered woman syndrome as a defense.” Section 26 states, to wit,
“Survivors who are found by the courts to be suffering from battered woman syndrome do not incur any criminal and civil liability notwithstanding the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.
“In the determination of the state of mind of the woman who was suffering from battered woman syndrome at the time of the commission of the crime, the courts shall be assisted by expert psychiatrists/ psychologists.”
The “battered woman syndrome defense” has already been applied in our country in the Supreme Court decision involving Marivic Genosa in January 2004. I understand that recently, an abused woman (a policewoman) convicted of killing her husband (also a police officer) was released from the Correctional Institution for Women, after RA 9262 was applied in her case.
Under RA 9262, abusive men also cannot claim that they were under the influence of alcohol, illicit drugs or any other mind-altering substance when they carried out their abusive acts against their wives, live-in partners, dating or sexual partners. Section 27 of RA 9262 classifies this as a prohibited defense.
(You can find the complete text of RA 9262 in my "Legal Issues and Family Matters" website at www.familymatters.org.ph. Please look for it under either "Relevant Laws" or "Legal Procedures.")
On February 26, upon the invitation of Ptr. Many Orara, I will be giving a seminar on the essential provisions of the Family Code and RA 9262 for the members of Maranatha International Baptist Church in Parang, Marikina.
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 1:23 P
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/02/myth-of-mutual-submission-part-2.html
Headship of men, submission of women, and the myth of mutual submission
In the area of relationships and marriage, there cannot be a more explosive and divisive issue than that of the headship of men and the submission of women.
Sometime in the late 1990’s, I think, the Southern Baptist Convention issued an official statement asking women to “graciously submit” to their husbands. Needless to say, that statement was greeted with controversy, scorn and ridicule from different sectors (and even from within the SBC itself).
Feminist groups have been saying all this time that the Biblical injunction for women to submit to their husbands is an open invitation for spousal abuse.
(For a discussion of the rights and obligations of husbands and wives under the Family Code of the Philippines, please surf over to my Legal Updates weblog at www.famli.blogspot.com.)
If you want a thorough discussion of the Biblical doctrines of the headship of men and the submission of women, I recommend the following books to you:
[1] “Strike the Original Match” by Chuck Swindoll; Multnomah Press © 1980; specifically the chapters entitled “Let’s Repair the Foundation” and “Bricks that Build a Marriage.”
[2] “The Grace Awakening” also by Chuck Swindoll; Word Publishing, ©1996; specifically the chapter entitled “A Marriage Oiled by Grace”
[3] “Together Forever” by Anne Kristin Caroll; Zondervan, © 1982 by Barbara J. Denis); specifically the chapter entitled “Who Wears the Pants?”
[4] “Rocking the Roles” by Robert Lewis and William Hendricks; NavPress, ©1991; specifically the chapters entitled “The ‘S’ Word” and “The Masculine Counterpart to the ‘S’ Word.”
For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.
What stands out in my mind with Swindoll’s book “Strike The Original Match” is his statement on page 12,
The wife must come to terms with her role and ask, “Do I love my husband enough to live for him?” And equally important, the husband must come to terms with his role and ask, “Do I love my wife enough to die for her?” Searching questions. But they put the issues in the right perspective.
In “The Grace Awakening,” Swindoll rephrases his thoughts in this way (pages 149-151):
[1] “The wife’s primary responsibility is to know herself so well and to respect herself so much, she gives herself to her husband without hesitation.”
[2] “The primary responsibility of the husband is to love his Lord so deeply and to like himself so completely he gives himself to his wife without conditions.”
Lewis and Hendricks, while maintaining the traditional view of the headship of men and the submission of women, clarify however that submission is not a wife’s role. Rather, they say, submission is the wife’s loving response to her husband’s loving and sacrificial headship.
“Roles” and ‘responses” may sound like only semantics to you, but I encourage you to read “Rocking the Roles.” The most striking statement in this book about submission is found in page 135: “A biblically submissive wife’s focus is not on enabling wrong behavior, but in empowering her husband to pursue right behavior – to become the man God wants him to be, and the leader God wants him to be.”
I remember something Dr. James Dobson wrote in his classic book (highly recommended!) “Love Must Be Tough” about submission. Dobson said, “Being a spiritually submissive wife doesn’t mean being a doormat.”
Caroll, who writes her book out of the crucible of the pain of her divorce (and remarriage to the same guy) says on page 126, “Submission is freedom.”
The myth of mutual submission
One time, I was browsing through the bargain books section of PCBS Cubao, when I came across Stu Webber’s book, “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart” (Multnomah Books, © 1997; reprinted in the Philippines by OMF Lit Inc).Webber is my kind of guy! He first joined the US military with the Airborne division. He then went into the Rangers, and then finally into the Special Forces, the elite Green Berets. During the Vietnam War, while crunched in a foxhole in a Special Forces “A” Camp, waiting to engage the Viet Cong in bloody combat, God called him into the ministry.
(Decades ago, I and a dozen other Rizal High School students out of hundreds who started the training, completed a yearlong, Saturdays only Junior Ranger training. There, we learned how to assemble and disassemble a Garand M1, a carbine, a 30-caliber machine gun, a Browning Automatic Rifle, an M-16; go through the obstacle course, etc. It was great learning all these things but the only time we got to apply these skills, besides the Military Stakes, was during a rumble between about two hundred guys from Fort Bonifacio High School and only about fifty of us from Rizal High. When rocks started raining down on us, the valiant guys from Rizal High did all the right things – run, escape and hide until night fell and our enemies had to leave unless they wanted their mothers to scold them for coming home late. Who was it who said that prudence is the better part of valor?)
Anyway, enough of nostalgia.
What immediately attracted my attention in Webber’s book is his discussion of “The Myth of Mutual Submission” on pages 75 and 76. Webber says that submission is “always singular in direction when it refers to authority. It is never ‘mutual.’” The words of Scripture simply cannot be turned sideways and twisted to force the reverse. Nowhere are husbands told to be subject to their wives. Everywhere husbands are told to take the lead.”
Lest you begin thinking that Webber is just reacting on the basis of his military background, he states in page 79, “There is no room in biblical headship for self-inflated big shots.” Webber also cites approvingly Pastor John Piper’s discussion of what mature masculine leadership is. Among other things, Webber quotes Piper as saying that a mature man “serves and sacrifices for the woman’s good.”
(In a lot of Filipino families, the father merely makes occasional decisions in order to show everyone who is boss in the family. But it is the mother who actually runs the household and keeps the family together. A lot of Filipino men are passive when it comes to family matters, and the women are forced to take up the spiritual leadership of the family. One common complaint that author Joyce Landorf, I think, hears from women is that the man doesn't want to take spiritual responsibility for the family.)
Webber includes in his book a chapter entitled “A Woman Among the Pillars” and I assure all of you women out there, if you practice what he says in this chapter, you wouldn’t find it difficult dealing with men.
(You can find an interesting review in http://www.probe.org/. of Dr. Laura’s ‘The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” Dr. Laura says that women don’t understand or realize the power they have over their husbands. She says that husbands are putty in the hands of the women they love!)
If you want to find out what the four pillars of a man’s heart are, go to the nearest bookstore and get a copy of Webber’s book. And all the books I mentioned above. Right now!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 2:51 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/01/headship-of-men-submission-of-women.html
==================================================================
Sunday, February 05, 2006
The Myth of Mutual Submission, part 2
In a previous post, I cited to you Stu Webber’s book “The Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart.” Webber in pages 75 and 76 dismisses “mutual submission” (also known as “egalitarianism”) as being un-Biblical. Essentially, people who hold this view believe that husbands and wives should submit to one another, and not just wives submitting themselves to their husbands. They say that “there is no unique authority or leadership role for the husband in a marriage,” and that “men and women are equal and carry responsibilities in both the home and church which are mutual or interchangeable between the sexes.”
Main argument against mutual submission
The traditional (read that “conservative”) view is known as “complementarianism” which holds that “while men and women are equal before God, they serve him in complementary roles which are not always identical and in some cases ought not to be.”
As Webber stated in his book, the main argument against “mutual submission” is that you cannot find a verse in the New Testament explicitly telling husbands to submit to their wives. On the other hand, wives are explicitly told in several instances to submit to their husbands.
Ephesians 5
22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Colossians 3
18. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Titus 2
5. To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
1 Peter 3
1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2. While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4. But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6. Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
The quotes I used above are from two articles which I highly recommend to you. These articles are:
[1] The Myth of Mutual Submission by Wayne Grudem, Ph.D at http://www.soulcare.org/Counseling/MythofSubmission.html
[2] Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another by Chad Brand, at http://www.baptist2baptist.net/printfriendly.asp?ID=230
Essentially, Grudem says that “the whole idea of mutual submission as an interpretation of ‘be subject to one another’ in Ephesians 5:21 is terribly mistaken idea.” He also states that “it can be advocated only by failing to appreciate the precise meanings of the Greek words for ‘be subject to’ and ‘one another.’” Grudem concludes that “the idea of mutual submission in marriage (is) a myth without foundation in Scripture at all.”
Brand, on the other hand, says that people who preach mutual submission “hijack” the Bible in order to make it fit their egalitarian viewpoint. He says, “Texts are either accepted, rejected, ignored, or revised according to the way they fit in with that motif. But this is a mistake of the greatest gravity. The revisionist position does not of itself arise from Scripture. Rather, it is plain that while the Bible teaches full equality, it does not affirm egalitarianism or interchangeability in all things, but rather calls for distinguishable roles between men and women.”
For more relevant articles, please surf to The Council on Biblical Manhood & Womanhood website.This ministry offers free resources like articles, journal articles, sermons, book reviews, conference audio, online books, questions and answers, evangelical feminism and Biblical truth; with multi-lingual resources in Arabic, Chinese, Dutch, French, German, Italian, Portuguese, Russian and Spanish.
Headship of men can never be an excuse or justification for spousal abuse
Please let me reiterate here what I said in a previous post. The headship of men and the submission of women cannot be and should never be used as an excuse or justification for spousal abuse. One extreme example of how these doctrines have been twisted by some twisted men as an excuse for domestic violence is the true story of Lucy Tisland, narrated in the book “Battered into Submission” by James and Phyllis Alsdurf.
Lucy Tisland and her children endured years of abuse inflicted by her violent husband. One child suffered brain damage and died at the age of seven after he was severely beaten by the father. When Lucy cried during the funeral service for this child, she was brutally beaten by her husband. To the people in their community, however, Lucy and her husband presented a picture of a trouble-free marriage.
One time, after her husband came home agitated over a brewing problem of his sexual involvement with a teenager, he threatened Lucy that he will kill her and all their children after his nap. Lucy, believing that her husband would actually carry out such a threat, got a gun, and then shot her husband in the forehead.
Lucy was charged for the death of her husband, but she was acquitted by the jury, after she recounted her years of abuse at the hands of her husband.
By the way, Lucy Tisland’s husband was a Baptist pastor from Minnesota.
As I mentioned before, I have been giving lecture-seminars in Republic Act 9262 or the “Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004” to barangay officials and day care center workers. I have given lectures in Laguna (Victoria, Alaminos, Pila, Kalayaan, and Lumban), Cavite City, and in Sto. Tomas, Batangas.
RA 9262 now expressly provides for what is known as the “battered woman syndrome as a defense.” Section 26 states, to wit,
“Survivors who are found by the courts to be suffering from battered woman syndrome do not incur any criminal and civil liability notwithstanding the absence of any of the elements for justifying circumstances of self-defense under the Revised Penal Code.
“In the determination of the state of mind of the woman who was suffering from battered woman syndrome at the time of the commission of the crime, the courts shall be assisted by expert psychiatrists/ psychologists.”
The “battered woman syndrome defense” has already been applied in our country in the Supreme Court decision involving Marivic Genosa in January 2004. I understand that recently, an abused woman (a policewoman) convicted of killing her husband (also a police officer) was released from the Correctional Institution for Women, after RA 9262 was applied in her case.
Under RA 9262, abusive men also cannot claim that they were under the influence of alcohol, illicit drugs or any other mind-altering substance when they carried out their abusive acts against their wives, live-in partners, dating or sexual partners. Section 27 of RA 9262 classifies this as a prohibited defense.
(You can find the complete text of RA 9262 in my "Legal Issues and Family Matters" website at www.familymatters.org.ph. Please look for it under either "Relevant Laws" or "Legal Procedures.")
On February 26, upon the invitation of Ptr. Many Orara, I will be giving a seminar on the essential provisions of the Family Code and RA 9262 for the members of Maranatha International Baptist Church in Parang, Marikina.
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 1:23 P
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/02/myth-of-mutual-submission-part-2.html
Eight kinds of husbands and wives
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Hate Eight?
Eight kinds of husbands and wives
2007 is some three weeks old and for sure a lot of you have been hearing and will be hearing wedding bells before January ends. As I stated in my article “June brides, wedding vows and coming attractions”, it is a myth, an urban legend that more people get married in June than any other month of the year. The truth is, as figures from the National Statistics Office would bear me out, more Filipinos get married in January than in June or in any other month.
The more sobering truth however is that for a lot of starry-eyed brides and grooms, they will find out who their husbands and wives really are only after the wedding. After the romance-filled, headlong rush into marriage, stark reality will set in and men and women will begin to ask themselves, “Who is this person I married?”
In a previous article “Oldies but Goodies”, I mentioned Cecil G. Osborne’s book “The Art of Understanding your Mate.” Osborne’s book (by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was published way back in 1970, some 37 six years ago! Back in 1970, bell bottom pants and long hair were the norm for men; the rock group Led Zeppelin ruled the airwaves; martial law had not yet been declared; and I was a first year high student in Rizal High School in Pasig. Those were the days, my friend! As the 1970’s song says, “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun …”
In that brief review of Osborne’s book, I mentioned his Ten Commandments for husbands and wives. Another very interesting portion of Osborne’s book is his two chapters discussing eight kinds of husbands and eight kinds of wives.
Please take note that Osborne’s book is drenched with psychology. His book is filled with the psychological buzzword “neurotic”. There is, as you know, a raging debate between theology and psychology. My own views tilt heavily towards theology rather than psychology. I recommend that you read “Beyond Seduction: A Return to Biblical Christianity” by Dave Hunt; “Our Sufficiency in Christ” by John F. MacArthur; and the works of David Powlison and Randy Alcorn.
Although I may not agree with everything he says or recommends, Osborne’s classification of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes very interesting reading. Okay, here we go with Osborne’s eight kinds of husbands (with a short description of each):
[1] The explosive, argumentative, domineering husband: Because of immaturity and feelings of inferiority, this man becomes a tyrant over his wife and children through shouting, intimidation (whether physical or verbal), and never admits that he has made a mistake.
[2] The compulsive husband: The compulsion may expresses itself in various forms – addiction to alcohol or drugs, over-devotion to work or any activity that either insulates him from close emotional relationships or from criticism.
[3] The uncommunicative husband, further classified into (a) the passive, shy male; (b) the “strong, silent” husband; (c) the limited conversation husband; and (d) the turned-off” husband.
[4] The child husband: Either this kind of husband has to prove his masculinity over and over again, or he is still tied to mother’s apron strings.
[5] The hypochondriac husband: Remember the 1985 movie “Innerspace” starring Meg Ryan, Dennis Quaid and Martin Short? Hypochondriacs think they suffer from all kinds of sicknesses.
[6] The passive, silent passive, or retreating husband: Either because of early childhood upbringing or a failure in work, this kind of husband has retreated into the safety of his own world, refusing to communicate with his family.
[7] The playboy husband
[8] The neurotic tightwad: Remember that famous scene in “Gone With The Wind” where Scarlette O’Hara promises herself that she will be never poor or go hungry again? Well, this kind of a husband fears not having money and thus keeps a tight watch over the family’s finances, with his own needs taking first place over that of his family.
Okay, okay, the wives among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my husband is like, and I just can’t wait to tell him to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so he can be the husband I want.” Well, hold your horses, ladies, and let’s first see Osborne’s list of the eight kinds of wives. Okay, here we go!
[1] The overly-dominant wife: By whatever means, fair or foul, by threats or feigned sicknesses, this kind of wife gets her way with her husband and family.
[2] The narcissistic woman: The whole world revolves around her; her husband and children exist to praise and affirm her.
[3] The adult-infantile wife: Age does not guarantee growth in areas of personal responsibility, and this kind of a wife clings to her immature notions of married life.
[4] The masculine-protest wife: This kind of a wife exhibits frigidity, either emotionally or sexually, and may have had a highly idealized father or brother, a domineering or a weak, passive father.
[5] The martyr-wife: She gets attention she craves through her failures in life, her various illnesses, etc.
[6] The passive-aggressive wife: This kind of wife, says Osborne, exhibits “passive and submissive, with aggressive and hostile tendencies.”
[7] The jealous-possessive wife: Having lost a father or a beloved male figure, through death, separation or some other reason, this wife now strangles her husband with constant jealousy and suspicions about his activities and acquaintances
[8] The depressed wife: Boredom, fatigue, sickness, any of several things may cause this wife to plunge into depression.
Okay, okay, the husbands among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my wife is like, and I just can’t wait to tell her to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so she can be the wife I want.”
Perhaps the most common criticism I’ve heard from women about their husbands is on their husband’s lack or failure to meaningfully communicate with them. All they hear from their husbands are, “Where are my slippers? Is dinner ready? Did you remember to iron my shirts? Sssh, be quiet, Angel Locsin’s on TV right now!” These women can’t understand how and why their husbands can, on the other hand, communicate so well with their colleagues at work, or why they can be so emotionally expressive while watching basketball games on television.
What does Osborne recommend that wives do when their husbands fall into any one of the classifications mentioned above? Well, in page 144, Osborne says, “A neurotic husband (and of course everyone is neurotic to some degree) needs precisely the very thing his wife feels incapable of giving him - loving tolerance. At the time he is the most unreasonable he is in need of the greatest amount of understanding and patience.”
As for husbands married to wives falling within any of Osborne’s classification, he says among other things, “Creating the right emotional climate in the home is chiefly a wife’s responsibility. If she seems unable to achieve this, it becomes the husband’s responsibility to discover what he can do to help her create a wholesome atmosphere. A depressed, demanding, possessive, complaining wife – who may have much to complaint about – is setting the stage for marital discord. If she can, without anger or threats, make her needs known, she stands a better chance of working out a satisfactory marriage. If she cannot do this alone and unaided, she needs the help of a marriage counselor or some qualified person who can aid her in sorting out her feelings and finding a creative solution.”
You might also want to re-read my article entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book: How to save your marriage alone” where I reviewed Dr. Ed Wheat’s book “Love Life for Every Married Couple”. If you’re a wife who’d like to understand what makes your husband the way he is, please read my article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”
Osborne’s full discussion of the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes for great reading. Please try to get hold of Osborne’s book. The last time I went to OMF Literature bookstore in Boni Avenue in Mandaluyong, I think I saw two or three copies of Osborne’s book. I don’t know if Osborne’s book is available in other Christian bookstores. But hey, if you want to read more about the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives, the bookstores will open on Monday at around 9 AM and you can pick up the remaining copies of Osborne’s book. Don’t be late, okay? I hate late!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 12:44 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2007/01/hate-eight.html
Hate Eight?
Eight kinds of husbands and wives
2007 is some three weeks old and for sure a lot of you have been hearing and will be hearing wedding bells before January ends. As I stated in my article “June brides, wedding vows and coming attractions”, it is a myth, an urban legend that more people get married in June than any other month of the year. The truth is, as figures from the National Statistics Office would bear me out, more Filipinos get married in January than in June or in any other month.
The more sobering truth however is that for a lot of starry-eyed brides and grooms, they will find out who their husbands and wives really are only after the wedding. After the romance-filled, headlong rush into marriage, stark reality will set in and men and women will begin to ask themselves, “Who is this person I married?”
In a previous article “Oldies but Goodies”, I mentioned Cecil G. Osborne’s book “The Art of Understanding your Mate.” Osborne’s book (by Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was published way back in 1970, some 37 six years ago! Back in 1970, bell bottom pants and long hair were the norm for men; the rock group Led Zeppelin ruled the airwaves; martial law had not yet been declared; and I was a first year high student in Rizal High School in Pasig. Those were the days, my friend! As the 1970’s song says, “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun …”
In that brief review of Osborne’s book, I mentioned his Ten Commandments for husbands and wives. Another very interesting portion of Osborne’s book is his two chapters discussing eight kinds of husbands and eight kinds of wives.
Please take note that Osborne’s book is drenched with psychology. His book is filled with the psychological buzzword “neurotic”. There is, as you know, a raging debate between theology and psychology. My own views tilt heavily towards theology rather than psychology. I recommend that you read “Beyond Seduction: A Return to Biblical Christianity” by Dave Hunt; “Our Sufficiency in Christ” by John F. MacArthur; and the works of David Powlison and Randy Alcorn.
Although I may not agree with everything he says or recommends, Osborne’s classification of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes very interesting reading. Okay, here we go with Osborne’s eight kinds of husbands (with a short description of each):
[1] The explosive, argumentative, domineering husband: Because of immaturity and feelings of inferiority, this man becomes a tyrant over his wife and children through shouting, intimidation (whether physical or verbal), and never admits that he has made a mistake.
[2] The compulsive husband: The compulsion may expresses itself in various forms – addiction to alcohol or drugs, over-devotion to work or any activity that either insulates him from close emotional relationships or from criticism.
[3] The uncommunicative husband, further classified into (a) the passive, shy male; (b) the “strong, silent” husband; (c) the limited conversation husband; and (d) the turned-off” husband.
[4] The child husband: Either this kind of husband has to prove his masculinity over and over again, or he is still tied to mother’s apron strings.
[5] The hypochondriac husband: Remember the 1985 movie “Innerspace” starring Meg Ryan, Dennis Quaid and Martin Short? Hypochondriacs think they suffer from all kinds of sicknesses.
[6] The passive, silent passive, or retreating husband: Either because of early childhood upbringing or a failure in work, this kind of husband has retreated into the safety of his own world, refusing to communicate with his family.
[7] The playboy husband
[8] The neurotic tightwad: Remember that famous scene in “Gone With The Wind” where Scarlette O’Hara promises herself that she will be never poor or go hungry again? Well, this kind of a husband fears not having money and thus keeps a tight watch over the family’s finances, with his own needs taking first place over that of his family.
Okay, okay, the wives among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my husband is like, and I just can’t wait to tell him to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so he can be the husband I want.” Well, hold your horses, ladies, and let’s first see Osborne’s list of the eight kinds of wives. Okay, here we go!
[1] The overly-dominant wife: By whatever means, fair or foul, by threats or feigned sicknesses, this kind of wife gets her way with her husband and family.
[2] The narcissistic woman: The whole world revolves around her; her husband and children exist to praise and affirm her.
[3] The adult-infantile wife: Age does not guarantee growth in areas of personal responsibility, and this kind of a wife clings to her immature notions of married life.
[4] The masculine-protest wife: This kind of a wife exhibits frigidity, either emotionally or sexually, and may have had a highly idealized father or brother, a domineering or a weak, passive father.
[5] The martyr-wife: She gets attention she craves through her failures in life, her various illnesses, etc.
[6] The passive-aggressive wife: This kind of wife, says Osborne, exhibits “passive and submissive, with aggressive and hostile tendencies.”
[7] The jealous-possessive wife: Having lost a father or a beloved male figure, through death, separation or some other reason, this wife now strangles her husband with constant jealousy and suspicions about his activities and acquaintances
[8] The depressed wife: Boredom, fatigue, sickness, any of several things may cause this wife to plunge into depression.
Okay, okay, the husbands among you might right now be nodding your heads vigorously and saying “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what my wife is like, and I just can’t wait to tell her to go and buy a copy of Osborne’s book so she can be the wife I want.”
Perhaps the most common criticism I’ve heard from women about their husbands is on their husband’s lack or failure to meaningfully communicate with them. All they hear from their husbands are, “Where are my slippers? Is dinner ready? Did you remember to iron my shirts? Sssh, be quiet, Angel Locsin’s on TV right now!” These women can’t understand how and why their husbands can, on the other hand, communicate so well with their colleagues at work, or why they can be so emotionally expressive while watching basketball games on television.
What does Osborne recommend that wives do when their husbands fall into any one of the classifications mentioned above? Well, in page 144, Osborne says, “A neurotic husband (and of course everyone is neurotic to some degree) needs precisely the very thing his wife feels incapable of giving him - loving tolerance. At the time he is the most unreasonable he is in need of the greatest amount of understanding and patience.”
As for husbands married to wives falling within any of Osborne’s classification, he says among other things, “Creating the right emotional climate in the home is chiefly a wife’s responsibility. If she seems unable to achieve this, it becomes the husband’s responsibility to discover what he can do to help her create a wholesome atmosphere. A depressed, demanding, possessive, complaining wife – who may have much to complaint about – is setting the stage for marital discord. If she can, without anger or threats, make her needs known, she stands a better chance of working out a satisfactory marriage. If she cannot do this alone and unaided, she needs the help of a marriage counselor or some qualified person who can aid her in sorting out her feelings and finding a creative solution.”
You might also want to re-read my article entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book: How to save your marriage alone” where I reviewed Dr. Ed Wheat’s book “Love Life for Every Married Couple”. If you’re a wife who’d like to understand what makes your husband the way he is, please read my article “Why do men think the things they think, say the things they say, and do the things they do?”
Osborne’s full discussion of the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives makes for great reading. Please try to get hold of Osborne’s book. The last time I went to OMF Literature bookstore in Boni Avenue in Mandaluyong, I think I saw two or three copies of Osborne’s book. I don’t know if Osborne’s book is available in other Christian bookstores. But hey, if you want to read more about the characteristics of the eight kinds of husbands and wives, the bookstores will open on Monday at around 9 AM and you can pick up the remaining copies of Osborne’s book. Don’t be late, okay? I hate late!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 12:44 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2007/01/hate-eight.html
Boundaries in Marriage
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Boundaries in Marriage
As a grade school student in the 1960’s, I grew up quite confused as to whether I resided in the town of San Juan or in Mandaluyong.
You see, the huge compound I grew up in, owned by a Chinese family, was partly in San Juan and partly in Mandaluyong. The main gate opened up to a road that had a crack, a depression in the pavement that marked the boundary between Mandaluyong and San Juan. The road crew cemented only that part of the road that belonged to Mandaluyong. Later on, the San Juan municipal government cemented the other part of the road that belonged to it.
To add to my confusion, although the address we officially used was “San Juan,” my older sisters and I studied in Mandaluyong Elementary School. I remember early mornings, my mother would accompany my older sisters and me to school as we walked several kilometers a day, down Shaw Boulevard, up at A. Bonifacio, then a left turn either at Hagdang Bato or A. Luna, and then finally down the road between the San Felipe Neri church and the school (from where I graduated in 1969).
My older sisters went to either Jose Rizal College in Mandaluyong or in EARIST Nagtahan, Manila for their high school studies. But the 4-year scholarship that my elementary school awarded me sent me to the Rizal High School in Pasig. Back then, the school was better known as the “Rizal Provincial High School.” I remember the first time I traveled alone to this school. What kept turning in my young mind was that I was going to a province and I didn’t know what the language there was! I remember passing by the “Rizal Provincial Hospital” and I took that as the boundary between the province of Rizal and wherever I lived (San Juan or Mandaluyong).
Boundaries in law and in the Bible
Boundaries are important, not only for a confused grade schooler, but for society at large. There are numerous court cases where the point of contention is where one property begins and where another ends. Blood feuds begin and lives are lost, when one party encroaches upon another person’s property.
Our Revised Penal Code, for example in Article 313 penalizes altering boundaries or landmarks. The law says, “Any person who shall alter the boundary marks or monuments of towns, provinces, or estates, or any other marks intended to designate the boundaries of the same, shall be punished by arresto menor or a fine not exceeding 100 pesos, or both.” The term "arresto menor" refers to a penalty of imprisonment for 30 days.
The word “boundaries” can take on meanings other than the physical. For example, Proverbs 22: 28, in relation to Deuteronomy 19:14, states, to wit, “Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.” The primary meaning of course here is respecting the boundaries of each person’s property. But preachers have oftentimes used this verse to refer to values or beliefs that ought to be followed, not because they’re ancient, but because time and events have proved their efficacy.
Boundaries in marriage
Several years ago, while browsing at National Bookstore in Shangri-la Crossing, my attention was caught by a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage.” The title intrigued me so much. I thought, “Doesn’t the Bible teach that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh? Doesn’t creating boundaries in marriage pander to a person’s self-interest and self-centeredness, thus creating not unity but conflicts and divergence between a husband and a wife?” (Now you know growing up confused whether I lived in San Juan or Mandaluyong has really messed up my mind about boundaries!)
Anyway, I bought the book. Curiosity got the better of me and since the book was a Philippine reprint by Christian Literature Crusade (20 Karuhatan Road, Karuhatan, 1469 Valenzuela City, Metro Manila), it cost only around one hundred eighty pesos, if I remember correctly. (I’m not only confused about boundaries, I’m also a cheapskate!)
“Boundaries in Marriage” (copyright 1999; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was co-authored by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, marriage counselors and popular seminar speakers in the US. They define “boundary” as a property line that defines where something ends and something else begins.
Since this book was written after their “Boundaries: How To Say Yes, How To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life,” Cloud and Townsend spend the first chapter of this book reviewing their concepts and teachings about boundaries. For example, in page 17, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of boundaries:
While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don’t grow past the initial attractions and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true “knowing” of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple – the long-term fulfillment that was God’s design. For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.
(I remember reading something Dr. James Dobson wrote in “Love Must Be Tough” ascribing the strength and longevity of his marriage to him and his wife always “defending the line of respect” between them.)
Ten Laws of Boundaries
In Chapter 2, Cloud and Townsend enumerate and elucidate on what they call as the “Ten Laws of Boundaries.” These laws, discussed in pages 37 to 59, are the following:
[1] The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Our actions have consequences.
[2] The Law of Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
[3] The Law of Power: We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).
[4] The Law of Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
[5] The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
[6] The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
[7] The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.
[8] The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.
[9] The Law of Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting our limits rather than be passive.
[10] The Law of Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.
Core values in setting boundaries in marriage
What takes up the bulk of the book (which is replete with real-life examples of couples in crisis due to the lack of boundaries) is Cloud and Townsend’s discussion of values. In page 108, the authors clarify the importance of values:
Your values are the ultimate boundaries of your marriage. They form it, protect it, and give it a place to grow. They dictate what the nature of the relationship is going to be, what it is not going to be allowed to grow there, as well as what is going to be c\sought after and maintained. The values of your relationship become like the frame of a house; they give it shape. What you value determines the kind of relationship you most likely will have in the end. For if you will hold these things up high, esteem them and pursue them as a couple, we believe you will be building your relationship on solid ground.
The “values” that Cloud and Townsend value the most are the following:
[1] Love of God
[2] Love of Your Spouse
[3] Honesty
[4] Faithfulness
[5] Compassion and Forgiveness
[6] Holiness
Further on in their book, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of values in setting boundaries and in building a good marriage. They say,
In marriage, if you focus on what you want and desire and just stay angry and disappointed that you are not getting it, you will remain there. But if you focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit, then your garden will yield a huge harvest.
So it is with values …. Work on them. Stand against anything in yourself or your spouse that would destroy them. This is righteous indignation, and your marriage may depend on it. But also, do everything to increase the presence of these things. Give time, money, energy, focus, and other resources to developing the love of God and each other, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and holiness. Pursue them with everything the two of you can muster. They will not fail you in the end.
Part of the graphic design on the back cover of Cloud and Townsend’s book states, “It takes two individuals to become one flesh.” Remember my question about boundaries and two persons becoming one flesh? Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot perhaps explain best what this quotation means in their book “Relationships.” They say that the fundamental principle in finding fulfillment in relationships is this “If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.”
You can read more about "boundaries" in Cloud and Townsend's website, and if you want to go directly to their articles, click here. They have also written "Boundaries in Dating" and "Boundaries with Kids."
Boundaries and a friend’s broken romance
For about fourteen years, I worked as a journalism teacher and schoolpaper adviser, first in Quezon City Science High School and then in Rizal High School. In my work as a teacher, I had the privilege and pleasure of working with teenagers on the verge of adulthood, and because press work demanded a lot of time, work and effort together, I became close with several of my staffers. I became friends with one female staffer, in particular, and all throughout her college years and even when she started working, we kept in touch by letters and phone calls.
Several years ago, she called me up and said that she and her boyfriend were already contemplating marriage, since they were both in the middle 20’s already. She asked me to shoot her wedding pictures which she said would be in a garden setting. I said yes and asked her when the wedding would be. She said she will just contact me again and say when and where.
Several months after that call however, she called me up again, and said that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then told me about how their relationship of several years had been like. Whenever they would have an argument or misunderstanding, her boyfriend would remain aloof and uncommunicative for weeks. They would meet in church, or the guy would escort her home, but remain silent all the time. After a lengthy period of time, her boyfriend would then say that everything’s now okay, and they would have good times again. She said that she tried to understand and bear with her boyfriend’s ways and moods. But as time went by, she said, the question that gnawed upon her mind was that, “If this is the way we are as girlfriend and boyfriend, how would our life be as husband and wife?”
Needless to say, my friend endured the heartache of a romance and a relationship she had deliberately ended. I don’t know if she had ever read Cloud and Townsend’s book but I would say that she may have intuitively known what boundaries are and that she had failed to establish them in her relationship. I don’t know what’s happening to my friend now. We just keep in touch by text messages three or four times a year. But I would dare say that she can look back to her broken relationship and say that she had become a better person because she established the right boundary.
Well, well, well, boundaries. I wish I could say that decades after my grade school days, I’m no longer confused about boundaries. But now I live in a corner of Pasig that’s only a stone’s throw away from Cainta. In fact, the first three numbers of our telephone are for homes and offices in the Cainta area. So where am I residing – Pasig or Cainta? Help!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 2:00 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/07/boundaries-in-marriage.html
Boundaries in Marriage
As a grade school student in the 1960’s, I grew up quite confused as to whether I resided in the town of San Juan or in Mandaluyong.
You see, the huge compound I grew up in, owned by a Chinese family, was partly in San Juan and partly in Mandaluyong. The main gate opened up to a road that had a crack, a depression in the pavement that marked the boundary between Mandaluyong and San Juan. The road crew cemented only that part of the road that belonged to Mandaluyong. Later on, the San Juan municipal government cemented the other part of the road that belonged to it.
To add to my confusion, although the address we officially used was “San Juan,” my older sisters and I studied in Mandaluyong Elementary School. I remember early mornings, my mother would accompany my older sisters and me to school as we walked several kilometers a day, down Shaw Boulevard, up at A. Bonifacio, then a left turn either at Hagdang Bato or A. Luna, and then finally down the road between the San Felipe Neri church and the school (from where I graduated in 1969).
My older sisters went to either Jose Rizal College in Mandaluyong or in EARIST Nagtahan, Manila for their high school studies. But the 4-year scholarship that my elementary school awarded me sent me to the Rizal High School in Pasig. Back then, the school was better known as the “Rizal Provincial High School.” I remember the first time I traveled alone to this school. What kept turning in my young mind was that I was going to a province and I didn’t know what the language there was! I remember passing by the “Rizal Provincial Hospital” and I took that as the boundary between the province of Rizal and wherever I lived (San Juan or Mandaluyong).
Boundaries in law and in the Bible
Boundaries are important, not only for a confused grade schooler, but for society at large. There are numerous court cases where the point of contention is where one property begins and where another ends. Blood feuds begin and lives are lost, when one party encroaches upon another person’s property.
Our Revised Penal Code, for example in Article 313 penalizes altering boundaries or landmarks. The law says, “Any person who shall alter the boundary marks or monuments of towns, provinces, or estates, or any other marks intended to designate the boundaries of the same, shall be punished by arresto menor or a fine not exceeding 100 pesos, or both.” The term "arresto menor" refers to a penalty of imprisonment for 30 days.
The word “boundaries” can take on meanings other than the physical. For example, Proverbs 22: 28, in relation to Deuteronomy 19:14, states, to wit, “Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.” The primary meaning of course here is respecting the boundaries of each person’s property. But preachers have oftentimes used this verse to refer to values or beliefs that ought to be followed, not because they’re ancient, but because time and events have proved their efficacy.
Boundaries in marriage
Several years ago, while browsing at National Bookstore in Shangri-la Crossing, my attention was caught by a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage.” The title intrigued me so much. I thought, “Doesn’t the Bible teach that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh? Doesn’t creating boundaries in marriage pander to a person’s self-interest and self-centeredness, thus creating not unity but conflicts and divergence between a husband and a wife?” (Now you know growing up confused whether I lived in San Juan or Mandaluyong has really messed up my mind about boundaries!)
Anyway, I bought the book. Curiosity got the better of me and since the book was a Philippine reprint by Christian Literature Crusade (20 Karuhatan Road, Karuhatan, 1469 Valenzuela City, Metro Manila), it cost only around one hundred eighty pesos, if I remember correctly. (I’m not only confused about boundaries, I’m also a cheapskate!)
“Boundaries in Marriage” (copyright 1999; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan) was co-authored by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, marriage counselors and popular seminar speakers in the US. They define “boundary” as a property line that defines where something ends and something else begins.
Since this book was written after their “Boundaries: How To Say Yes, How To Say No, To Take Control of Your Life,” Cloud and Townsend spend the first chapter of this book reviewing their concepts and teachings about boundaries. For example, in page 17, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of boundaries:
While many dynamics go into producing and maintaining love, over and over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well. Or such marriages don’t grow past the initial attractions and transform into real intimacy. They never reach the true “knowing” of each other and the ongoing ability to abide in love and to grow as individuals and as a couple – the long-term fulfillment that was God’s design. For this intimacy to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.
(I remember reading something Dr. James Dobson wrote in “Love Must Be Tough” ascribing the strength and longevity of his marriage to him and his wife always “defending the line of respect” between them.)
Ten Laws of Boundaries
In Chapter 2, Cloud and Townsend enumerate and elucidate on what they call as the “Ten Laws of Boundaries.” These laws, discussed in pages 37 to 59, are the following:
[1] The Law of Sowing and Reaping: Our actions have consequences.
[2] The Law of Responsibility: We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.
[3] The Law of Power: We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (including changing people).
[4] The Law of Respect: If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
[5] The Law of Motivation: We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
[6] The Law of Evaluation: We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.
[7] The Law of Proactivity: We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants and needs.
[8] The Law of Envy: We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what others have.
[9] The Law of Activity: We need to take the initiative in setting our limits rather than be passive.
[10] The Law of Exposure: We need to communicate our boundaries to each other.
Core values in setting boundaries in marriage
What takes up the bulk of the book (which is replete with real-life examples of couples in crisis due to the lack of boundaries) is Cloud and Townsend’s discussion of values. In page 108, the authors clarify the importance of values:
Your values are the ultimate boundaries of your marriage. They form it, protect it, and give it a place to grow. They dictate what the nature of the relationship is going to be, what it is not going to be allowed to grow there, as well as what is going to be c\sought after and maintained. The values of your relationship become like the frame of a house; they give it shape. What you value determines the kind of relationship you most likely will have in the end. For if you will hold these things up high, esteem them and pursue them as a couple, we believe you will be building your relationship on solid ground.
The “values” that Cloud and Townsend value the most are the following:
[1] Love of God
[2] Love of Your Spouse
[3] Honesty
[4] Faithfulness
[5] Compassion and Forgiveness
[6] Holiness
Further on in their book, Cloud and Townsend state the importance of values in setting boundaries and in building a good marriage. They say,
In marriage, if you focus on what you want and desire and just stay angry and disappointed that you are not getting it, you will remain there. But if you focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit, then your garden will yield a huge harvest.
So it is with values …. Work on them. Stand against anything in yourself or your spouse that would destroy them. This is righteous indignation, and your marriage may depend on it. But also, do everything to increase the presence of these things. Give time, money, energy, focus, and other resources to developing the love of God and each other, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and holiness. Pursue them with everything the two of you can muster. They will not fail you in the end.
Part of the graphic design on the back cover of Cloud and Townsend’s book states, “It takes two individuals to become one flesh.” Remember my question about boundaries and two persons becoming one flesh? Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot perhaps explain best what this quotation means in their book “Relationships.” They say that the fundamental principle in finding fulfillment in relationships is this “If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.”
You can read more about "boundaries" in Cloud and Townsend's website, and if you want to go directly to their articles, click here. They have also written "Boundaries in Dating" and "Boundaries with Kids."
Boundaries and a friend’s broken romance
For about fourteen years, I worked as a journalism teacher and schoolpaper adviser, first in Quezon City Science High School and then in Rizal High School. In my work as a teacher, I had the privilege and pleasure of working with teenagers on the verge of adulthood, and because press work demanded a lot of time, work and effort together, I became close with several of my staffers. I became friends with one female staffer, in particular, and all throughout her college years and even when she started working, we kept in touch by letters and phone calls.
Several years ago, she called me up and said that she and her boyfriend were already contemplating marriage, since they were both in the middle 20’s already. She asked me to shoot her wedding pictures which she said would be in a garden setting. I said yes and asked her when the wedding would be. She said she will just contact me again and say when and where.
Several months after that call however, she called me up again, and said that she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then told me about how their relationship of several years had been like. Whenever they would have an argument or misunderstanding, her boyfriend would remain aloof and uncommunicative for weeks. They would meet in church, or the guy would escort her home, but remain silent all the time. After a lengthy period of time, her boyfriend would then say that everything’s now okay, and they would have good times again. She said that she tried to understand and bear with her boyfriend’s ways and moods. But as time went by, she said, the question that gnawed upon her mind was that, “If this is the way we are as girlfriend and boyfriend, how would our life be as husband and wife?”
Needless to say, my friend endured the heartache of a romance and a relationship she had deliberately ended. I don’t know if she had ever read Cloud and Townsend’s book but I would say that she may have intuitively known what boundaries are and that she had failed to establish them in her relationship. I don’t know what’s happening to my friend now. We just keep in touch by text messages three or four times a year. But I would dare say that she can look back to her broken relationship and say that she had become a better person because she established the right boundary.
Well, well, well, boundaries. I wish I could say that decades after my grade school days, I’m no longer confused about boundaries. But now I live in a corner of Pasig that’s only a stone’s throw away from Cainta. In fact, the first three numbers of our telephone are for homes and offices in the Cainta area. So where am I residing – Pasig or Cainta? Help!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 2:00 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/07/boundaries-in-marriage.html
Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”
Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship
Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.
You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.
Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”
But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.
From lovers to fighters
I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …
I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.
More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence
But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.
As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.
Dealing with domestic violence
Please take note that Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.
Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict
In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,
[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.
[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.
About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …
The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages
You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.
Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)
B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage
The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.
Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”
Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.
By “Time Out”, Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.
Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.
The “Speaker-Listener Technique” which Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:
3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave
Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation. In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)
Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.
Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.
In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.
Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).
What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.
Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.
Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.
One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.” Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”
Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.
Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/11/are-you-ready-lets-get-it-on.html
“Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”
Marriage: The ultimate fighting championship
Several days ago, the mixed martial arts program “Ultimate Fighting Championship” celebrated its historic 100th episode, with fights featuring Brock Lesnar, Frank Mir, Georges St. Pierre and Tiago Alvez. Years ago, I was hooked on watching reruns of the UFC’s previous tournaments that started in the late 1990’s and featured fighters who since then have become legends in mixed martial arts – Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, Kimo, Marco Ruas, Maurice Smith, Mark Coleman, etc.
You see, back in the 1970’s and 80’s, I trained very briefly in martial arts like Modern Arnis, Aikido and a little bit of Kung Fu. At various points in time, I wanted to study Hapkido, Hwa Rang Do, Yaw Yan, Wing Chun and Pai Lum Kung Fu. Until the middle 1990’s I had dozens of books and magazines on martial arts. For the Mini Press Conference I organized for Rizal High School in Pasig from 1984 up to 1991, I always included, as part of the activities, martial arts exhibitions by groups such as the National Tae Kwon Do Demonstration Team, the UP Tae Kwon Do team, the Wu Shu Federation of the Philippines, and the Arnis Philippines.
Anyway, going back to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I stayed up late on weekends, totally engrossed in the tournament style of fighting that allowed everything – punching with bare knuckles, kicking, head butting, elbow smashes, ramming the knee to the opponent’s face and solar plexus, guillotine chokes, submissions, key locks, arm bars, triangle chokes, etc. A karate black belter could be fighting a Brazilian Ju-jitsu practitioner, or a judoka could be pitted against a boxer, and so on and so forth. There were no weight classes, and so, a puny welterweight could be paired against a 300 pound behemoth. I always got a thrill when the UFC chief referee “Big John” MacArthy would shout to the fighters, “Are you ready? Let’s get it on!”
But the no-holds barred fighting was the early days of the UFC. Later on, weight categories like that in boxing were introduced, fighters had to wear gloves, and certain things were outlawed – head butting, blows to the kidney area, etc. Thus, the tournament officials would always say that the UFC was a sport since the fighting was done within specific rules, weight categories, etc, and was not a free-for-all, no holds barred, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting.
From lovers to fighters
I wish I could say the same thing about the way a lot of married couples fight with each other …
I mean, from the stories of people I have counseled over the years, husbands and wives have fought each other, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally in a free-for-all, no holds barred, tit for tat, everything plus the kitchen sink type of fighting. One husband told me that one time when he was suffering from an asthma attack, his wife tried to choke him to death! One couple I know becomes “aerodynamic” whenever they would fight. They would grab hold of plates, bottles, vases, anything they could get their hands on, and hurl these things at each other, with their children helplessly cowering at the sidelines. I’m sure you know of husbands and wives who fight each other verbally and emotionally with insults, threats, ridicule, innuendos, accusations, put-downs and character assassination.
More marriages die, not from violence, but from silence
But not all marital fights I have been told about by my counselees have involved overt violence, whether physical or verbal. Some couples instead engage in silent warfare, with no one acknowledging that problems or tensions do exist, or with one partner avoiding and withdrawing from any discussion of whatever conflicts there may be.
As I told you several weeks ago, I’m reading through the book “A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage” by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan. Published by Jossey-Bass Publishers, the book is based on materials, research and a program from the University of Denver known as Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). The program has been extensively reported on by CNN and MNSBC, and by shows such as 20/20, 48 Hours, Good Morning America, Fox News, The Today Show and Oprah.
Dealing with domestic violence
Please take note that Stanley and his co-authors clarify that PREP and their book are not meant to deal with domestic violence. They say that in cases of domestic violence, safety of the abused spouse and/or the children is the foremost consideration. If you want to know more about Republic Act 9262, our country’s landmark law on domestic violence, please read my previous articles like (1) Hope and help for the battered woman, statistics on domestic violence; (2) Salient provisions of RA 9262; (3) Protection Orders; (4) Mediation not applicable to domestic violence cases; (5) Emotional abuse and psychological violence; and (6) Biblical response to spousal abuse.
Ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict
In Chapter 5 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors discuss the “ground rules for protecting a marriage from conflict.” They first establish certain foundational truths, to wit,
[1] There will be conflict even in a marriage between Christians.
[2] You can choose your reactions to your spouse’s hurtful words or actions. By taking responsibility for own behavior and avoiding “reckless words”, you can create the climate for a great marriage.
About two years ago, I offered to lend my book “Love Busters” by Willard Harley Jr. to a newly married woman. But she refused the offer, saying that she didn’t need to read the book since her marriage was “God-ordained.” I wonder if she still feels the same way after two years of marriage …
The reality of conflicts even in Christian marriages
You see, there will always be conflicts between a man and a woman within the framework of marriage. Genesis 3: 16 says, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Some people have said that the expression “thy desire shall be to thy husband” refers to a woman’s sexual desire for her husband, but we know that in a lot of situations that desire isn’t there. Conservative theologians like Woodrow Kroll say (correctly, in my opinion) that Genesis 3:16 should be read in relation to Genesis 4: 7 which states, “If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.” These theologians say that the expression “unto thee shall be his desire” in Genesis 4:7 is similar in words and grammar as Genesis 3:16.
Thus, the proper interpretation of “thy desire shall be unto thy husband” is that there will be conflicts and struggles between a husband and a wife in their sinful state as the woman tries to wrest control over the relationship divinely ordained for the man. (Please read my article on “The Myth of Mutual Submission” for more on this issue.)
B-E-S-T formula for a great marriage
The second foundational truth above sounds very familiar for those of you who have read Dr. Ed Wheat’s “Love Life For Every Married Couple” or Dr. James Dobson’s “Love Must Be Tough.” I wrote a review of Dr. Wheat’s B-E-S-T formula for saving your marriage alone entitled “Priceless counsel from a bargain sale book” which you might want to re-read later on.
Stanley and his co-authors propose six ground rules by which couples can handle the inevitable conflicts in marriage and thus help these couples “work as a team to protect and strengthen their marriage.”
Ground Rule No. 1: When conflict begins to escalate, we will call a Time Out and either try talking again, using the Speaker-Listener Technique, or agree to talk later at a specified time about the issue, using the Speaker-Listener Technique.
By “Time Out”, Stanley and his co-authors mean deliberately not discussing a problem right now and setting a definite future time to discuss the problem. The purpose of the “Time Out” is to defuse the explosive situation so that the couple can discuss the problem at a definite time and date when they are both level headed and prepared.
Ground Rule No. 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will engage the Speaker-Listener Technique.
The “Speaker-Listener Technique” which Stanley and his co-authors discuss in Chapter 3 of their book, is a way by which both spouses take turns in talking about the problem (instead of out shouting and interrupting each other), with the other spouse paraphrasing what the other spouse just said so that it becomes clear that he or she understood correctly what the other said or meant, etc. As James 1: 19 admonishes us, “… let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
As marriage counselors and pastors would say, husbands and wives should learn to bite their tongue. Words recklessly spewed out against a marriage partner can and will tear the very fabric of your marriage. Listen to what the Apostle James says about the tongue in Chapter 3, verses 3 to 12:
3. Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
4. Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
5. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
6. And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
7. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
8. But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
9. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
10. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12. Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
Relational skills for a man: Duck and dodge, bob and weave
Secular psychologist John Gray in his book “Mars and Venus: Together Forever” (copyright 1994, 1996 by J.G. Productions Inc.) tackles in Chapter 5 of his book some skills a man should know and practice whenever he finds himself in a fight with his wife. Gray teaches men how to duck and dodge, bob and weave whenever they are faced with an onslaught of emotions, a barrage of angry words from their wives. He says that when a woman talks out loud and expresses a lot of emotions towards her husband, what she really is doing is processing her thoughts and feelings about the matter or the situation. In essence, Gray says that today’s women still long for strong men and don’t necessarily want their husbands to fold up and give in to whatever they’re saying. He says that most often, women simply want to feel heard and be considered. (Hey, duck and dodge, bob and weave, these are boxing terms!)
Ground Rule No. 3: When discussing an important issue, we will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.
Stanley and his co-authors say that “Problem discussion is about understanding one another. Problem solving is about taking action together.” They warn that a lot of couples rush into decisions in order to avoid conflicts. When the hasty decision doesn’t work out, the couple becomes discouraged. As they point out, Proverbs 18:13 still holds true: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
In Chapter 4 of their book, Stanley and his co-authors state three key assumptions that help couples create stronger marriages. These key assumptions are: [1] All couples have problems; [2] It is best to handle problems as a team; and [3] Rushed solutions are poor solutions.
In Chapter 6, Stanley and his co-authors discuss what they call “hidden issues” which so often underlie fights and disagreements between couples. These hidden issues are: [1] control and power; [2] needing and caring; [3] recognition; [4] commitment; and [5] integrity.
Ground Rule No. 4: We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within twenty-four to forty-eight hours).
What does Ephesians 4:26 say? “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” Or in paraphrase, husbands and wives should keep short accounts with each other.
Ground Rule No. 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.
Stanley and his co-authors say that couples should deliberately carve time out of their busy schedules and not let anything or anyone interfere with this special time together. They say that this weekly couple meeting acts as a safety valve for the marriage because husbands and wives know that problems won’t be swept under the rug and conveniently forgotten. They further say that couples should always take this time together, if not to discuss problems, then simply to reconnect with one another. Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman.
One time, while I was on an FX taxi on the way to Cubao, I overheard a conversation between the driver and his wife who was seated beside him. When we passed by Ali Mall, the wife began gently asking her husband to take time out and watch a particular movie with her. But the husband curtly replied, “That’s not important and is a waste of time. What’s important is for us to be able to provide food on the table for our kids.” Well, well, well, that FX taxi driver and a lot of husbands should be reminded of how women measure their marriage. Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, said, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”
Ground Rule No. 6: We will make time for the great things of marriage - fun, friendship, sensuality, and spiritual connection. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.
Well, well, well, there you have it, men and women, six proven ground rules designed to keep the inevitable fights with your spouse within a reasonable and Biblical structure. So the next time you get into a problem or a fight with your spouse, remember and observe these ground rules, okay? Are you ready? Let’s get it on!
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/11/are-you-ready-lets-get-it-on.html
The KC-Piolo split: Basic things a woman wants from her husband or boyfriend
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The KC-Piolo split: Basic things a woman wants from her husband or boyfriend
KC Concepcion admitted last week in an interview with Boy Abunda that she has broken up with Piolo Pascual. When asked why, KC said in the vernacular, “May mga hinahanap ako na napaka-basic lang na hanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki.” KC refused to reveal details about what these basic things are that a woman wants from her boyfriend. But days or weeks from now, she might feel freer to talk about these things.
Well, I believe Dr. James Dobson, John Eldredge, and Jenet Jacob (in that order) have said better than anyone else what a woman wants from the man in her life. In page 65 of his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.), Dr. Dobson says,
Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place. (emphasis by boldfacing supplied)
Next to Dr. Dobson, John Eldredge states in poetically insightful terms what every woman wants. In page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001), Eldredge says:
… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?
Next to Dr. Dobson and Eldredge, Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, best sums up what women want. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”
Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman. I remember one sermon by Ptr. Chuck Swindoll in his “Insight for Living” radio program where he mentioned that women love it when men show emotional vulnerability, some cracks in their armor.
Most women would say that their number one problem is trying to make their boyfriend or husband open up and share things with them. When it comes to this issue of emotional connection and sharing, most of the time men come out looking like they are more to be blamed than women. As the title of a David Clarke book puts it, “men are clams, women are crowbars.” Women, it seems, are perennially trying, cajoling, pleading, pressuring, nagging their men to open up and share their feelings.
Why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out: KC is an F while Piolo is a T
Let me guess why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out. I don’t know much about KC and Piolo; truth to tell, the only entertainers I liked, when they were still child stars, were Nino Muhlach and Aiza Seguerra (okay, okay, I have to add Matet to the list). But it seems that KC is an F (Feeler) while Piolo is a T (Thinker). America’s most beloved family counselor, H. Norman Wright, in his book “Communication: Key To Your Marriage” (published by Regal Books, A Division of Gospel Light) says about F’s and T’s:
One of the most typical relationships that develops is between a male T and a female F. This connection has the most potential for creating divisiveness and long-term problems. T’s need to think about and analyze their emotions. They bring to a marriage emotional control and reserve that can limit intimacy. They want to understand intimacy, not experience it, while an F wants to share openly and experience intimacy.
If a couple doesn’t learn to connect emotionally, they’re at risk for either an affair or a marriage breakup. The bonding material of a marriage is emotional intimacy. F’s hunger for warmth, sharing and closeness, and without this dimension, they can end up feeling lonely. They like the inner strength and security of a T but not the perceived emptiness.
Hmm, KC is beautiful and talented, and she is now free … Do you know her contact numbers?
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 6:53 AM 0 comments
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/
The KC-Piolo split: Basic things a woman wants from her husband or boyfriend
KC Concepcion admitted last week in an interview with Boy Abunda that she has broken up with Piolo Pascual. When asked why, KC said in the vernacular, “May mga hinahanap ako na napaka-basic lang na hanapin ng isang babae sa isang boyfriend, sa isang lalaki.” KC refused to reveal details about what these basic things are that a woman wants from her boyfriend. But days or weeks from now, she might feel freer to talk about these things.
Well, I believe Dr. James Dobson, John Eldredge, and Jenet Jacob (in that order) have said better than anyone else what a woman wants from the man in her life. In page 65 of his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women” (Living Books; copyright 1975 by Tyndale House Publishers Inc.), Dr. Dobson says,
Women yearn to be the special sweethearts of their men, being respected and appreciated and loved with tenderness. This is why a homemaker often thinks about her husband during the day and eagerly awaits his arrival home. It explains why their wedding anniversary is more important to her, and why he gets clobbered when he forgets. It explains why she is constantly “reaching” for him when he is at home, trying to pull him out of the newspaper or television set; it explains why ‘Absence of Romantic Love in My Marriage’ ranked so high as a source of depression among women, whereas men would have rated it somewhere in the vicinity of last place. (emphasis by boldfacing supplied)
Next to Dr. Dobson, John Eldredge states in poetically insightful terms what every woman wants. In page 182 of his book “Wild At Heart, Discovering The Secret of a Man’s Soul” (Thomas Nelson Publishers; copyright 2001), Eldredge says:
… the deep cry of a little girl’s heart is am I lovely? Every woman needs to know that she is exquisite and exotic and chosen. This is core to her identity, the way she bears the image of God. Will you pursue me? Do you delight in me? Will you fight for me?
Next to Dr. Dobson and Eldredge, Jenet Jacob, a social science fellow of The Heritage Foundation, best sums up what women want. She says, “Men’s ability to emotionally connect is the most important factor when women evaluate the quality of their marriages.”
Emotional connection is achieved through conversation and the sharing of feelings, thoughts, ideas and plans between a man and a woman. I remember one sermon by Ptr. Chuck Swindoll in his “Insight for Living” radio program where he mentioned that women love it when men show emotional vulnerability, some cracks in their armor.
Most women would say that their number one problem is trying to make their boyfriend or husband open up and share things with them. When it comes to this issue of emotional connection and sharing, most of the time men come out looking like they are more to be blamed than women. As the title of a David Clarke book puts it, “men are clams, women are crowbars.” Women, it seems, are perennially trying, cajoling, pleading, pressuring, nagging their men to open up and share their feelings.
Why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out: KC is an F while Piolo is a T
Let me guess why KC and Piolo’s relationship didn’t work out. I don’t know much about KC and Piolo; truth to tell, the only entertainers I liked, when they were still child stars, were Nino Muhlach and Aiza Seguerra (okay, okay, I have to add Matet to the list). But it seems that KC is an F (Feeler) while Piolo is a T (Thinker). America’s most beloved family counselor, H. Norman Wright, in his book “Communication: Key To Your Marriage” (published by Regal Books, A Division of Gospel Light) says about F’s and T’s:
One of the most typical relationships that develops is between a male T and a female F. This connection has the most potential for creating divisiveness and long-term problems. T’s need to think about and analyze their emotions. They bring to a marriage emotional control and reserve that can limit intimacy. They want to understand intimacy, not experience it, while an F wants to share openly and experience intimacy.
If a couple doesn’t learn to connect emotionally, they’re at risk for either an affair or a marriage breakup. The bonding material of a marriage is emotional intimacy. F’s hunger for warmth, sharing and closeness, and without this dimension, they can end up feeling lonely. They like the inner strength and security of a T but not the perceived emptiness.
Hmm, KC is beautiful and talented, and she is now free … Do you know her contact numbers?
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 6:53 AM 0 comments
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/
Acronyms for better marriages: BEST, COUPLES, CHAIRS, ZTE and NBN
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Acronyms for better marriages: BEST, COUPLES, CHAIRS, ZTE and NBN
Okay, okay, ZTE and NBN are not acronyms on marriage and relationships. These initials stand for corruption in high places, mega-million dollar bribes and ... okay, okay, I don't want to get involved in these political controversies so I've got to back off!
The famous jingle for a local pop radio station rhetorically asks its listeners “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize’yan?” on issues that, in its often irreverent, wacky perspective, are so common sense, so clear that memorization should be absolutely unnecessary.
Marriage is the most difficult human relationship, and people who get married in their late teens and early twenties are especially in for an uphill struggle. One time, a former co-teacher asked me for help in annulling the marriage of her twenty-year old daughter. The daughter became pregnant at age eighteen and had to get married to save the family honor. Now two years later, her mother says that the marriage had to be annulled because her daughter and her husband were not compatible.
When a teenager gets pregnant, the concern should not be to save the family honor but to do what’s best for her and the child she’s carrying. Certainly, the solution is not to get the girl and whoever got her pregnant (usually a teenager himself) married. Experience has shown that a marriage in these circumstances will almost always end in a separation one or two years after. This is so basic that we can certainly ask rhetorically, “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?”
So what should be done in this situation? It’s better to allow the girl to go through with the pregnancy in the care of NGOs which provide homes for unwed mothers. Later on, the she has the option of giving up her baby for adoption.
(Please take note that under the Family Code, a person below 18 years of age cannot get married, even with parental consent.)
Ptr. Chuck Swindoll, in one of his radio messages, said that being in love wasn’t reason enough to get married. He said that it was commitment, not love, which holds a marriage together. To help you hold your marriage together, let me tell you about certain acronyms on marriage and relationships like B-E-S-T, C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.
In his book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (copyright 1980; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade), Dr. Ed Wheat Jr. gives us his prescription for a superb marriage in the acronym B-E-S-T which stand for Blessing, Edification, Sharing and Touching.
Essentially, Dr. Wheat explains the acronym this way:
[1] Blessing – in everything we do or say, a spouse’s motivation and reaction should always be of blessing. “A spouse blesses the husband or wife with words of love, respect and affirmation; bestowing practical benefits or acts of kindness; conveying thoughtfulness and appreciation; and in intercessory prayers.” (pages 178-179)
[2] Edification – ‘the husband edifies his wife by praising her; the wife edifies her husband by her loving response to him.” (page 181)
[3] Sharing – The Book of Genesis says that a husband and wife shall become “one flesh” in all areas of life – your time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, spiritual walk, family objective, and goals, etc. (page 182)
[4] Touching – Dr. Wheat says spouses (men especially) should learn to practice non-sexual touching. On pages 184 to 187, Wheat enumerates 25 ways spouses can improve their marriage through touching.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs was a pastor for over 20 years before taking, with his wife Sarah, his Love and respect seminars all over the USA beginning 1998. His book is entitled “Love and Respect” (copyright 2004; originally published in the USA by Integrity Publishers USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Church Strengthening Ministry Inc.)
Dr. Eggerichs bases the theology and theory of his marriage seminars on Ephesians 5:33. He says that love is what a woman most desires, while respect is what a man desperately needs. In support of this theology and theory, Eggerichs offers two acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.
The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.
The C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.
Dr. Eggerichs devotes a chapter each in discussing the different parts of the acronyms, ending each chapter with practical ways showing how husbands and wives can apply these acronyms to their relationships.
The last time I looked, Dr. Wheat’s book cost only about 180 pesos. Dr. Eggerichs’ book is more expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right? Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan?
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 8:49 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/04/acronyms-for-better-marriages.html
Acronyms for better marriages: BEST, COUPLES, CHAIRS, ZTE and NBN
Okay, okay, ZTE and NBN are not acronyms on marriage and relationships. These initials stand for corruption in high places, mega-million dollar bribes and ... okay, okay, I don't want to get involved in these political controversies so I've got to back off!
The famous jingle for a local pop radio station rhetorically asks its listeners “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize’yan?” on issues that, in its often irreverent, wacky perspective, are so common sense, so clear that memorization should be absolutely unnecessary.
Marriage is the most difficult human relationship, and people who get married in their late teens and early twenties are especially in for an uphill struggle. One time, a former co-teacher asked me for help in annulling the marriage of her twenty-year old daughter. The daughter became pregnant at age eighteen and had to get married to save the family honor. Now two years later, her mother says that the marriage had to be annulled because her daughter and her husband were not compatible.
When a teenager gets pregnant, the concern should not be to save the family honor but to do what’s best for her and the child she’s carrying. Certainly, the solution is not to get the girl and whoever got her pregnant (usually a teenager himself) married. Experience has shown that a marriage in these circumstances will almost always end in a separation one or two years after. This is so basic that we can certainly ask rhetorically, “Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?”
So what should be done in this situation? It’s better to allow the girl to go through with the pregnancy in the care of NGOs which provide homes for unwed mothers. Later on, the she has the option of giving up her baby for adoption.
(Please take note that under the Family Code, a person below 18 years of age cannot get married, even with parental consent.)
Ptr. Chuck Swindoll, in one of his radio messages, said that being in love wasn’t reason enough to get married. He said that it was commitment, not love, which holds a marriage together. To help you hold your marriage together, let me tell you about certain acronyms on marriage and relationships like B-E-S-T, C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.
In his book “Love Life for Every Married Couple” (copyright 1980; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Christian Literature Crusade), Dr. Ed Wheat Jr. gives us his prescription for a superb marriage in the acronym B-E-S-T which stand for Blessing, Edification, Sharing and Touching.
Essentially, Dr. Wheat explains the acronym this way:
[1] Blessing – in everything we do or say, a spouse’s motivation and reaction should always be of blessing. “A spouse blesses the husband or wife with words of love, respect and affirmation; bestowing practical benefits or acts of kindness; conveying thoughtfulness and appreciation; and in intercessory prayers.” (pages 178-179)
[2] Edification – ‘the husband edifies his wife by praising her; the wife edifies her husband by her loving response to him.” (page 181)
[3] Sharing – The Book of Genesis says that a husband and wife shall become “one flesh” in all areas of life – your time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, spiritual walk, family objective, and goals, etc. (page 182)
[4] Touching – Dr. Wheat says spouses (men especially) should learn to practice non-sexual touching. On pages 184 to 187, Wheat enumerates 25 ways spouses can improve their marriage through touching.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs was a pastor for over 20 years before taking, with his wife Sarah, his Love and respect seminars all over the USA beginning 1998. His book is entitled “Love and Respect” (copyright 2004; originally published in the USA by Integrity Publishers USA; reprinted in the Philippines by Church Strengthening Ministry Inc.)
Dr. Eggerichs bases the theology and theory of his marriage seminars on Ephesians 5:33. He says that love is what a woman most desires, while respect is what a man desperately needs. In support of this theology and theory, Eggerichs offers two acronyms for a great marriage: C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S.
The C-O-U-P-L-E-S acronym is meant to familiarize men with what their wives need and how to show love to their wives. It stands for Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.
The C-H-A-I-R-S acronym sums up for women how they can show their respect for their husbands, and stands for Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship and Sexuality.
Dr. Eggerichs devotes a chapter each in discussing the different parts of the acronyms, ending each chapter with practical ways showing how husbands and wives can apply these acronyms to their relationships.
The last time I looked, Dr. Wheat’s book cost only about 180 pesos. Dr. Eggerichs’ book is more expensive at 350 pesos, but hey, if you want a great marriage, 350 pesos is nothing, right? Kailangan pa bang i-memorize ‘yan?
Posted by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio at 8:49 PM
http://-salt-and-light-.blogspot.com/2006/04/acronyms-for-better-marriages.html
Monday, February 13, 2012
Meeting Your Wife’s Seven Basic Needs
Meeting Your Wife’s Seven Basic Needs
loving her as Christ loves the Church by Advanced Training Institute International
As a husband, it is your responsibility to nurture and cherish your wife, to instruct your wife, and to meet her needs. You are to love your wife as you love yourself. (See Ephesians 5:22-29, 33.) As you gain insight about your wife’s needs, it is imperative that you take steps to fully meet those needs. As you love your wife as Christ loves the Church, she will be motivated to reverence you. (See Ephesians 5:33.)
Following is a description of seven basic needs of a wife, accompanied by projects that can serve as tools to equip you to be a Godly husband, one who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. “He that loveth his wife loveth himself”(Ephesians 5:28).
1. A wife needs a husband who demonstrates spiritual leadership.
A husband can lead his wife in her spiritual journey by consistently pursuing a deeper relationship with Christ, honoring Scriptural convictions, making wise decisions, and demonstrating genuine love. As your wife sees you establish Godly standards in your life, she will be motivated to set similar standards in her life and to submit to your leadership.
Maintain Biblical Disciplines
How are you striving to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord? (See II Peter 3:18.) Review the following list. Which of these activities could be observed in your life? Which of these activities should be observed in your life?
Regular reading and study of God’s Word
Consistent memorization of Scripture
Daily meditation on Scripture
Faithfulness in prayer
Regular church attendance
Fellowship with committed Christians
Conversation about spiritual matters
Ask the Lord to show you how to increase in Godliness. As you establish personal goals for spiritual maturity, ask a brother in the Lord to hold you accountable for reaching those goals.
Live by Scriptural Convictions
What evidences of Scriptural convictions do you have or purpose to have? Set aside a period of time in which you can document your convictions and the basis for each one. Here are some examples:
Demonstrating love for God by loving your wife, children, and others. (See I John 4:20.)
Purposing to make your home a center of Godly learning and living. (See Psalm 101.)
Avoiding actions or activities that might cause your wife, children, or others to stumble. (See Romans 14.)
It is not enough to simply identify Scriptural convictions; you must be determined to make decisions that are guided by those convictions and standards. Be an example of obedience and faithfulness to your wife as you uphold Godly convictions in your family.
Do these obstacles hinder your consistent obedience to Godly standards?
Wrong priorities
Pride
Guilt from past failures
Lack of wisdom
Losing your temper
Bondage to enslaving habits
Influence by, and attention to, television
Companionship with wrong friends
Determine steps to overcome obstacles and walk in the victory that has been purchased for you by the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Demonstrate Genuine Love
Your wife needs to see a demonstration of genuine love in everything you say and do. Let the prayer of the Apostle Paul to the church in Philippi be your guide: “I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; that ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ; being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11).
List the ways that you demonstrate love to your wife. Then ask her to explain which ones do or do not express love to her, and why.
2. A wife needs to know she is meeting her husband’s vital needs.
A wife finds security and purpose in knowing that she is meeting needs in her husband’s life that no other woman can meet. She needs to know that she is precious in his eyes. (See Genesis 2:18, 21-23.)
The scourge of a woman is jealousy—the fear of being displaced. Your wife needs to be confident not only that you love her but that you also desire her companionship and sincerely need her assistance.
Share Your Needs
Your wife needs to know that as your helpmeet, she “completes” you. (See Genesis 1:21-24.) To give your wife the satisfaction of meeting your needs, explain your needs with openness and clarity and share what she can do to meet those needs and accomplish your top priorities for the family.
It is human nature for a husband to not want to share his needs with his wife, because he doesn’t want to risk losing her admiration. However, you will win your wife’s love more effectively if you honestly share both your failures and your successes.
Thoughtfully Praise Your Wife
Is your wife now meeting needs in your life that no other woman can meet? Compile a list, share your insights with your wife, and express gratefulness to her for meeting those exclusive needs. Here are a few examples to consider as you compile your own unique list:
She can give you the joy of a physical relationship without guilt. (See Proverbs 5:19-20.)
She is a safeguard to your hasty decisions because of her need for security and consistency.
She discerns the real needs of the children.
3. A wife needs a husband who cherishes her.
Cherish means “to protect and love (a person)” and “to care for tenderly; nurture.” A wife needs reassurance that her husband cherishes her, valuing her above all other people, possessions, or activities. Your wife needs to know that your delight in her goes beyond the things she can do for you. If she does not feel cherished, she becomes insecure.
List the character qualities and personality traits that first attracted you to your wife. You may want to write this list in your prayer journal, as a reminder to intercede for your wife in regard to her weaknesses and as a reminder of reasons you “rejoice with the wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18).
Deepen Your Wife’s Security Through Acceptance
A wife needs to know that her husband accepts her “unchangeables,” especially the ones she herself has difficulty accepting. You have a unique opportunity to love your wife by helping her learn the Scriptural basis of self-acceptance.
List any unchangeable physical features, family circumstances, and past experiences that your wife finds difficult to accept, such as a physical handicap, poverty, or divorced parents. Ask the Lord to show you how each of these unchangeables has produced or strengthened in your wife character qualities or attitudes that you admire. Share these insights with your wife and help her understand ways that God has benefited her life through those situations that were, or are, beyond her control.
4. A wife needs a husband who protects her.
A wife wants her husband to be alert to her spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses and to lovingly provide wise direction and security.
Scripture instructs husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge,” giving honor unto them “as unto the weaker vessel.” (See I Peter 3:7.) A wife needs to be well understood, so that her husband can discern when to be firm and when to be lenient.
Establish Appropriate Boundaries
Your wife especially needs your protection in the form of establishing boundaries so that she will fulfill her responsibilities within appropriate limitations. Work with your wife to discern her top priorities and ensure that she has the time and resources needed to fulfill her responsibilities.
Does your wife need your protection through the loving provision of boundaries in any of the following areas?
Lack of sleep
Unfinished projects
Inappropriate clothing
Poor eating habits
Neglecting personal appearance
Tardiness
Destructive self-criticism
Volunteering
5. A wife needs to have intimate communication with her husband.
A wife yearns for intimate communication with her husband. Intimate conversation is a key factor in maintaining oneness of spirit in your marriage. Your wife needs to know that she can safely share her deepest emotions with you.
You would be wise to establish a regular time to invest in your wife by giving her your undivided attention. Your investment will earn an amazing return!
Set Aside Time for Talking Together
Have you and your wife established a regular time to have uninterrupted, intimate conversation? If not, make it a priority to discuss that goal with your wife within the week. (Your enthusiasm about the idea will bless your wife, but you may have to persuade her to make the commitment to give you her undivided attention, especially if she tends to be a diligent wife and mother.) Persevere. It’s worth it.
Consider places your wife would enjoy going in order to have special time with you:
Breakfast at ________________.
Lunch at ___________________.
At home during ______________.
Acknowledge distractions that frequently hinder intimate conversation when you and your wife are together:
Having your mind on other things
Phone calls
Talking to friends you meet
Loud music or other irritating noises
Interruptions by the children
Ask the Lord to make you alert and sensitive to distractions, and purpose to avoid them or eliminate them, whichever would be most appropriate.
Address Fears and Concerns
Most wives have deep fears and emotions that they have never shared with their husbands. It is your responsibility tolovingly and patiently help your wife identify and verbalize her fears and gain wisdom from God to resolve them.
During your times of intimate conversation, consider choosing one of the areas listed below and asking her how she feels about it. After listening attentively to her initial response, ask, “In addition to that, do you have any other feelings about it?”
Insecurity if her husband dies
Growing old
Becoming unattractive to her husband
Poor health
Failure as a wife and mother
Being displaced by another woman
Husband losing his job
Future of the children
As your wife confides in you, admitting her fears, ask the Lord to give you wisdom to help her resolve each one, through Christ.
6. A wife needs a husband who honors her.
A wife needs to know that her husband honors her. You can honor your wife in many ways, such as being attentive during conversation, using good manners, and praising her.
Practice Good Manners
Review the following list of good manners. If you are not practicing some of them, make a conscious effort to practice the habits that would particularly bless your wife.
Making her aware of your schedule and priorities
Being punctual
Refraining from using crude language
Personal cleanliness, neatness, and grooming
Lifting heavy objects for her
Seating her at the table
Putting your dirty laundry in its proper place
Helping her on and off with her coat
Be Attentive
Make a commitment to be attentive to your wife. For example, when she asks you a question, stop what you are doing, look at her, answer her question (even the little ones), and communicate your love for her through your tone of voice as well as your facial expression.
7. A wife needs a husband who invests in her life.
A wife needs her husband’s support and encouragement to learn new skills and broaden her field of interests. Your wife needs to know that you do not take her for granted and that you are eager to invest in her life spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Offer Support and Encouragement
Your wife needs your active leadership in your relationship. Consider the suggestions below, and invest in your wife’s life as the Holy Spirit shows you specific ways that you can support and encourage her.
Provide opportunities for her to develop her gifts, skills, and talents. This may involve opportunities within your family, your church, or your community. Be sensitive to your wife’s desire for more training, if she would like to pursue new areas of service.
Together, define the responsibilities that each of you has in your family.
Visualize how you can add new dimensions to her responsibilities so that she can recognize the future value, and eternal value, of what she is presently doing.
Seek to Meet Your Wife’s Needs
When you entered the covenant of marriage with your wife, you made a lifelong commitment to love her, which includes meeting her needs as your wife. Such a commitment demands faithfulness, endurance, and love that is willing to make sacrifices. Rely on God’s grace and wisdom as you seek to become a Godly husband who understands his wife’s needs and successfully fulfills his responsibilities.
http://christianrelationshipblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/meeting-your-wifes-seven-basic-needs.html
loving her as Christ loves the Church by Advanced Training Institute International
As a husband, it is your responsibility to nurture and cherish your wife, to instruct your wife, and to meet her needs. You are to love your wife as you love yourself. (See Ephesians 5:22-29, 33.) As you gain insight about your wife’s needs, it is imperative that you take steps to fully meet those needs. As you love your wife as Christ loves the Church, she will be motivated to reverence you. (See Ephesians 5:33.)
Following is a description of seven basic needs of a wife, accompanied by projects that can serve as tools to equip you to be a Godly husband, one who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. “He that loveth his wife loveth himself”(Ephesians 5:28).
1. A wife needs a husband who demonstrates spiritual leadership.
A husband can lead his wife in her spiritual journey by consistently pursuing a deeper relationship with Christ, honoring Scriptural convictions, making wise decisions, and demonstrating genuine love. As your wife sees you establish Godly standards in your life, she will be motivated to set similar standards in her life and to submit to your leadership.
Maintain Biblical Disciplines
How are you striving to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord? (See II Peter 3:18.) Review the following list. Which of these activities could be observed in your life? Which of these activities should be observed in your life?
Regular reading and study of God’s Word
Consistent memorization of Scripture
Daily meditation on Scripture
Faithfulness in prayer
Regular church attendance
Fellowship with committed Christians
Conversation about spiritual matters
Ask the Lord to show you how to increase in Godliness. As you establish personal goals for spiritual maturity, ask a brother in the Lord to hold you accountable for reaching those goals.
Live by Scriptural Convictions
What evidences of Scriptural convictions do you have or purpose to have? Set aside a period of time in which you can document your convictions and the basis for each one. Here are some examples:
Demonstrating love for God by loving your wife, children, and others. (See I John 4:20.)
Purposing to make your home a center of Godly learning and living. (See Psalm 101.)
Avoiding actions or activities that might cause your wife, children, or others to stumble. (See Romans 14.)
It is not enough to simply identify Scriptural convictions; you must be determined to make decisions that are guided by those convictions and standards. Be an example of obedience and faithfulness to your wife as you uphold Godly convictions in your family.
Do these obstacles hinder your consistent obedience to Godly standards?
Wrong priorities
Pride
Guilt from past failures
Lack of wisdom
Losing your temper
Bondage to enslaving habits
Influence by, and attention to, television
Companionship with wrong friends
Determine steps to overcome obstacles and walk in the victory that has been purchased for you by the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Demonstrate Genuine Love
Your wife needs to see a demonstration of genuine love in everything you say and do. Let the prayer of the Apostle Paul to the church in Philippi be your guide: “I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; that ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ; being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11).
List the ways that you demonstrate love to your wife. Then ask her to explain which ones do or do not express love to her, and why.
2. A wife needs to know she is meeting her husband’s vital needs.
A wife finds security and purpose in knowing that she is meeting needs in her husband’s life that no other woman can meet. She needs to know that she is precious in his eyes. (See Genesis 2:18, 21-23.)
The scourge of a woman is jealousy—the fear of being displaced. Your wife needs to be confident not only that you love her but that you also desire her companionship and sincerely need her assistance.
Share Your Needs
Your wife needs to know that as your helpmeet, she “completes” you. (See Genesis 1:21-24.) To give your wife the satisfaction of meeting your needs, explain your needs with openness and clarity and share what she can do to meet those needs and accomplish your top priorities for the family.
It is human nature for a husband to not want to share his needs with his wife, because he doesn’t want to risk losing her admiration. However, you will win your wife’s love more effectively if you honestly share both your failures and your successes.
Thoughtfully Praise Your Wife
Is your wife now meeting needs in your life that no other woman can meet? Compile a list, share your insights with your wife, and express gratefulness to her for meeting those exclusive needs. Here are a few examples to consider as you compile your own unique list:
She can give you the joy of a physical relationship without guilt. (See Proverbs 5:19-20.)
She is a safeguard to your hasty decisions because of her need for security and consistency.
She discerns the real needs of the children.
3. A wife needs a husband who cherishes her.
Cherish means “to protect and love (a person)” and “to care for tenderly; nurture.” A wife needs reassurance that her husband cherishes her, valuing her above all other people, possessions, or activities. Your wife needs to know that your delight in her goes beyond the things she can do for you. If she does not feel cherished, she becomes insecure.
List the character qualities and personality traits that first attracted you to your wife. You may want to write this list in your prayer journal, as a reminder to intercede for your wife in regard to her weaknesses and as a reminder of reasons you “rejoice with the wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18).
Deepen Your Wife’s Security Through Acceptance
A wife needs to know that her husband accepts her “unchangeables,” especially the ones she herself has difficulty accepting. You have a unique opportunity to love your wife by helping her learn the Scriptural basis of self-acceptance.
List any unchangeable physical features, family circumstances, and past experiences that your wife finds difficult to accept, such as a physical handicap, poverty, or divorced parents. Ask the Lord to show you how each of these unchangeables has produced or strengthened in your wife character qualities or attitudes that you admire. Share these insights with your wife and help her understand ways that God has benefited her life through those situations that were, or are, beyond her control.
4. A wife needs a husband who protects her.
A wife wants her husband to be alert to her spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses and to lovingly provide wise direction and security.
Scripture instructs husbands to dwell with their wives “according to knowledge,” giving honor unto them “as unto the weaker vessel.” (See I Peter 3:7.) A wife needs to be well understood, so that her husband can discern when to be firm and when to be lenient.
Establish Appropriate Boundaries
Your wife especially needs your protection in the form of establishing boundaries so that she will fulfill her responsibilities within appropriate limitations. Work with your wife to discern her top priorities and ensure that she has the time and resources needed to fulfill her responsibilities.
Does your wife need your protection through the loving provision of boundaries in any of the following areas?
Lack of sleep
Unfinished projects
Inappropriate clothing
Poor eating habits
Neglecting personal appearance
Tardiness
Destructive self-criticism
Volunteering
5. A wife needs to have intimate communication with her husband.
A wife yearns for intimate communication with her husband. Intimate conversation is a key factor in maintaining oneness of spirit in your marriage. Your wife needs to know that she can safely share her deepest emotions with you.
You would be wise to establish a regular time to invest in your wife by giving her your undivided attention. Your investment will earn an amazing return!
Set Aside Time for Talking Together
Have you and your wife established a regular time to have uninterrupted, intimate conversation? If not, make it a priority to discuss that goal with your wife within the week. (Your enthusiasm about the idea will bless your wife, but you may have to persuade her to make the commitment to give you her undivided attention, especially if she tends to be a diligent wife and mother.) Persevere. It’s worth it.
Consider places your wife would enjoy going in order to have special time with you:
Breakfast at ________________.
Lunch at ___________________.
At home during ______________.
Acknowledge distractions that frequently hinder intimate conversation when you and your wife are together:
Having your mind on other things
Phone calls
Talking to friends you meet
Loud music or other irritating noises
Interruptions by the children
Ask the Lord to make you alert and sensitive to distractions, and purpose to avoid them or eliminate them, whichever would be most appropriate.
Address Fears and Concerns
Most wives have deep fears and emotions that they have never shared with their husbands. It is your responsibility tolovingly and patiently help your wife identify and verbalize her fears and gain wisdom from God to resolve them.
During your times of intimate conversation, consider choosing one of the areas listed below and asking her how she feels about it. After listening attentively to her initial response, ask, “In addition to that, do you have any other feelings about it?”
Insecurity if her husband dies
Growing old
Becoming unattractive to her husband
Poor health
Failure as a wife and mother
Being displaced by another woman
Husband losing his job
Future of the children
As your wife confides in you, admitting her fears, ask the Lord to give you wisdom to help her resolve each one, through Christ.
6. A wife needs a husband who honors her.
A wife needs to know that her husband honors her. You can honor your wife in many ways, such as being attentive during conversation, using good manners, and praising her.
Practice Good Manners
Review the following list of good manners. If you are not practicing some of them, make a conscious effort to practice the habits that would particularly bless your wife.
Making her aware of your schedule and priorities
Being punctual
Refraining from using crude language
Personal cleanliness, neatness, and grooming
Lifting heavy objects for her
Seating her at the table
Putting your dirty laundry in its proper place
Helping her on and off with her coat
Be Attentive
Make a commitment to be attentive to your wife. For example, when she asks you a question, stop what you are doing, look at her, answer her question (even the little ones), and communicate your love for her through your tone of voice as well as your facial expression.
7. A wife needs a husband who invests in her life.
A wife needs her husband’s support and encouragement to learn new skills and broaden her field of interests. Your wife needs to know that you do not take her for granted and that you are eager to invest in her life spiritually, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Offer Support and Encouragement
Your wife needs your active leadership in your relationship. Consider the suggestions below, and invest in your wife’s life as the Holy Spirit shows you specific ways that you can support and encourage her.
Provide opportunities for her to develop her gifts, skills, and talents. This may involve opportunities within your family, your church, or your community. Be sensitive to your wife’s desire for more training, if she would like to pursue new areas of service.
Together, define the responsibilities that each of you has in your family.
Visualize how you can add new dimensions to her responsibilities so that she can recognize the future value, and eternal value, of what she is presently doing.
Seek to Meet Your Wife’s Needs
When you entered the covenant of marriage with your wife, you made a lifelong commitment to love her, which includes meeting her needs as your wife. Such a commitment demands faithfulness, endurance, and love that is willing to make sacrifices. Rely on God’s grace and wisdom as you seek to become a Godly husband who understands his wife’s needs and successfully fulfills his responsibilities.
http://christianrelationshipblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/meeting-your-wifes-seven-basic-needs.html
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A Mother's Prayer
A Mother's Prayer (hannah's Song) lyrics
A Mother’s Prayer (HANNAH'S SONG) Words by Rachel Aldous
Music by John Mandeville
Verse:
My sweet baby on loan from above.
No better treasure could I more love.
I stand here beside your bed as I pray
Ilay my hand on your head and I say:
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days.
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways.
May His hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast
Verse:
I stare in wonder at your tiny frame.
Just to think that God knows you by name.
He knows every hair on your beautiful head.
He knows your thoughts before they are said.
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways.
May His Hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast.
Prayer:
May God grant you peace
in the midst of a storm.
May God give you strength even
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rachel-aldous-lyrics/a-mother_s-prayer-(hannah_s-song)-lyrics.html -]
when you’re forlorn.
May you answer the door when
Jesus comes knocking.
May wisdom guide when
your mouth is talking.
May discretion protect you
and keep you pure.
May you never stumble
or fall for a lure.
May your heart remain humble
to the very end.
May uprightness and truth
be what you defend.
May the world not ensnare
or change who you are.
May the light that's within you
shine like the stars.
May angels surround you
body, spirit, mind.
May favor and peace be yours to find.
May rejection and pain
never reach you.
May your spirit grow bold
for what you’re called to.
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways
May His Hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast.
Singing:
As you rest in God’s care I will rest, too.
Knowing that Jesus is watching over you.
Amen
Hannah speaks: I love you, Mommy…
these lyrics are submitted by lol666
these lyrics are last corrected by Gail
A Mother’s Prayer (HANNAH'S SONG) Words by Rachel Aldous
Music by John Mandeville
Verse:
My sweet baby on loan from above.
No better treasure could I more love.
I stand here beside your bed as I pray
Ilay my hand on your head and I say:
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days.
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways.
May His hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast
Verse:
I stare in wonder at your tiny frame.
Just to think that God knows you by name.
He knows every hair on your beautiful head.
He knows your thoughts before they are said.
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways.
May His Hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast.
Prayer:
May God grant you peace
in the midst of a storm.
May God give you strength even
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/rachel-aldous-lyrics/a-mother_s-prayer-(hannah_s-song)-lyrics.html -]
when you’re forlorn.
May you answer the door when
Jesus comes knocking.
May wisdom guide when
your mouth is talking.
May discretion protect you
and keep you pure.
May you never stumble
or fall for a lure.
May your heart remain humble
to the very end.
May uprightness and truth
be what you defend.
May the world not ensnare
or change who you are.
May the light that's within you
shine like the stars.
May angels surround you
body, spirit, mind.
May favor and peace be yours to find.
May rejection and pain
never reach you.
May your spirit grow bold
for what you’re called to.
Chorus:
May you grow up to serve Him
all of your days
May He lead you and guide you
in all of your ways
May His Hand bless your future with
friendships that last.
May you cherish your youth
and not grow up too fast.
Singing:
As you rest in God’s care I will rest, too.
Knowing that Jesus is watching over you.
Amen
Hannah speaks: I love you, Mommy…
these lyrics are submitted by lol666
these lyrics are last corrected by Gail
Saturday, January 14, 2012
To my best friend, my wife
If Kisses were water, I will give U a Sea.
If Hugs were Leaves, I will give U a Tree.
If Life was a Planet, I will give U a Galaxy.
If Friendship is Life, I will give U Mine.
It's "World's Best Friends Week." Send this to all your good friends, even me ( if I am one of them). See how many you get back. If you get more than 3, you are really lovable. love
u all my frnds by the gravity of my heart
If Hugs were Leaves, I will give U a Tree.
If Life was a Planet, I will give U a Galaxy.
If Friendship is Life, I will give U Mine.
It's "World's Best Friends Week." Send this to all your good friends, even me ( if I am one of them). See how many you get back. If you get more than 3, you are really lovable. love
u all my frnds by the gravity of my heart
Thursday, January 12, 2012
12 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
12 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
Whitney Hopler, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Saturday, January 07, 2012
It’s now more common for marriages to fail than it is for them to last a lifetime. But you can still get married with the confidence that you’ll enjoy the healthy, holy marriage God wants you to have if you invest time before getting married into asking wise questions. Making time to consider key questions will help you and your future spouse head in the right direction: one that leads toward God’s purposes for both of you.
Here are some crucial questions to ask before you get married:
Are you willing to grow up? Your own maturity level, and that of your spouse, will determine how well you all can work together in marriage and how likely you all will be to stick with your relationship or give up on it. So each of you needs to honestly assess your current spiritual, emotional, social, and financial maturity by reflecting on issues such as how much self-control you each have, how much you respect authority, how much you can say “no” to some activities so you can say “yes” to those that are best for you, how much peace versus drama you have in your relationships with others, how often you keep your promises and follow through on commitments, whether or not you have a job that pays your bills, and whether or not you’re in debt.
Are you “equally yoked”? It’s never God’s will for you to be yoked (tied together) in marriage with someone who’s not a Christian, because a person who’s not connected to Jesus can’t head in the same direction as you can. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can pull an unbelieving spouse closer to Jesus; what happens instead in marriages between believers and unbelievers is that the unbelieving spouse pulls the believing spouse further away from Jesus. Realize that you can fall in love with anyone you happen to be attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that you should marry them.
Have you talked about money? Disclose all of your financial information to the person you’re considering marrying, and expect full disclosure from him or her, too. Talk about how each of you plans to earn, spend, save, give, and invest money if you get married, and why. If you discover that one or both of you doesn’t currently have a healthy budget or healthy money management attitudes or habits, get help and make changes before getting married to save yourselves from having to go through tremendous stress afterward.
Will you tell the truth? You and your future spouse must tell each other the whole truth about the romantic relationships that you’ve each had with other people previously, regardless of how wild or mild they were. Share all of the details with each other honestly, listen to each carefully, and give each other mercy as God does if you have each sought His forgiveness for your sins and repented of any unhealthy behaviors.
Will you commit? Marriage as God designed it requires a lifetime commitment. So you and the person you’re considering marrying should face your fears about that and discuss issues such as how you plan to handle disagreements and crises that may come up in your future marriage, such as illness and job loss. Determine whether or not both of you are willing to trade the lives you have now for a new life together, and whether or not you’re willing to eliminate the option of divorce and keep turning to God for the strength to keep working on your marriage.
Are you compatible? Realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is a good match for you. Honestly evaluate which personality traits and personal habits you can live with for many decades in a future marriage, and which will drive your marriage apart. Let go of any person who isn’t truly compatible with you to save you both years of heartache.
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/engagement-newlyweds/ask-these-questions-before-you-get-married.html
Whitney Hopler, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Saturday, January 07, 2012
It’s now more common for marriages to fail than it is for them to last a lifetime. But you can still get married with the confidence that you’ll enjoy the healthy, holy marriage God wants you to have if you invest time before getting married into asking wise questions. Making time to consider key questions will help you and your future spouse head in the right direction: one that leads toward God’s purposes for both of you.
Here are some crucial questions to ask before you get married:
Are you willing to grow up? Your own maturity level, and that of your spouse, will determine how well you all can work together in marriage and how likely you all will be to stick with your relationship or give up on it. So each of you needs to honestly assess your current spiritual, emotional, social, and financial maturity by reflecting on issues such as how much self-control you each have, how much you respect authority, how much you can say “no” to some activities so you can say “yes” to those that are best for you, how much peace versus drama you have in your relationships with others, how often you keep your promises and follow through on commitments, whether or not you have a job that pays your bills, and whether or not you’re in debt.
Are you “equally yoked”? It’s never God’s will for you to be yoked (tied together) in marriage with someone who’s not a Christian, because a person who’s not connected to Jesus can’t head in the same direction as you can. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can pull an unbelieving spouse closer to Jesus; what happens instead in marriages between believers and unbelievers is that the unbelieving spouse pulls the believing spouse further away from Jesus. Realize that you can fall in love with anyone you happen to be attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that you should marry them.
Have you talked about money? Disclose all of your financial information to the person you’re considering marrying, and expect full disclosure from him or her, too. Talk about how each of you plans to earn, spend, save, give, and invest money if you get married, and why. If you discover that one or both of you doesn’t currently have a healthy budget or healthy money management attitudes or habits, get help and make changes before getting married to save yourselves from having to go through tremendous stress afterward.
Will you tell the truth? You and your future spouse must tell each other the whole truth about the romantic relationships that you’ve each had with other people previously, regardless of how wild or mild they were. Share all of the details with each other honestly, listen to each carefully, and give each other mercy as God does if you have each sought His forgiveness for your sins and repented of any unhealthy behaviors.
Will you commit? Marriage as God designed it requires a lifetime commitment. So you and the person you’re considering marrying should face your fears about that and discuss issues such as how you plan to handle disagreements and crises that may come up in your future marriage, such as illness and job loss. Determine whether or not both of you are willing to trade the lives you have now for a new life together, and whether or not you’re willing to eliminate the option of divorce and keep turning to God for the strength to keep working on your marriage.
Are you compatible? Realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is a good match for you. Honestly evaluate which personality traits and personal habits you can live with for many decades in a future marriage, and which will drive your marriage apart. Let go of any person who isn’t truly compatible with you to save you both years of heartache.
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/engagement-newlyweds/ask-these-questions-before-you-get-married.html
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